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2013-12-31 - 12:04 a.m.

So...2013 was a year where I didn't know I was pregnant for certain til I saw the ultrasound of who would be Soma wiggling about in black and white on an ultrasound screen. I had a litter of kittens sleep around and on me and my belly for a few weeks while I slept on the couch while renovating my room for the upcoming addition. I tried to be tough and stick through the pain but I had to take the narcotics and an epidural during childbirth. After 11 hours of labor and a c-section, there was a new moon in my life. Had her dad close by but when we couldn't make sense we parted and he's there here and again. I learned turning a blind eye doesn't make things go away, being afraid prompts action rather than hiding, some differences can't be talked out if it falls on deaf ears, progress can't be made if you go back from the beginning. I got help for my postpartum depression and learned having a baby means learning new things every minute (like when we learned she loves staring at lights and shiny things), and with babies it's okay to make mistakes as long as their small and you learn from them. (like not knowing how to put on diapers right. yeah, I sucked at that for the first few weeks.)

This year was a year of family for me. My family grew: I have a baby and she has to sides of her parent and their families to be loved by. Everyone loves her and I love how adorable and amazing she is. I'm getting back in touch with the things I love: family, healthcare, friends, costumes, nerd conventions, dancing, Photoshop, writing, and scrapbooking. This year was the shortest amount of time I've ever been so absolutely depressed, useless, damaged, and felt so worthless I wanted to take my own life several times. With the help of my family, friends, mental health professionals, and the little one here now, I am worlds better than I have been in a very long time. This was a very unexpected milestone in my life, I honestly thought I was going to live a childless life and I was totally alright with that. Now I am an unexpected mother learning the ropes, dealing with single parenthood without getting hung up on it, and totally in awe of the flesh and blood that makes up my daughter, Soma. My heart grows with her with each ounce she gains and with all of her cute little quirks. I'm doing things how I hope are the best for her while doing things my own way. I always knew inside I was meant to be a mom and that she was always waiting for me to be her mom, I just didn't know when or if it would ever happen. So, this past year of 2013, it was the beginning of the years of Soma, and of myself as the person I know and the person I didn't know I could be, good and bad.

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