My mom came back from the doctor around 1 in the morning. She doesn't want to admit this (because she is in complete denile) but she has diabetes (which is really scary because my grandma has it, too), high blood pressure (my grandpa has that), and possibly a tumor. I'm so scared for my mom right now. She is in so much pain right now and the vicodine that they gave her doesn't even dull the pain a bit. I love my mom so much. But I also know that i have to let go and let God. All I can do right now is be the best helper around the house and give my mom what she needs. Thank you for all of you who put my mom in your prayers and asked about her. Thank you very much.
For the past week, I've done nothing but stay in bed and cry everyday. When Vidal tries to help me, I get physically sick when he touches me because I don't want to be held or touched when I'm like that. I don't want to eat right now, but I do, the minimum that I can get away with. No one really pays attention to how much I eat anyway unless I ate something that they wanted. I have this aweful feeling of depression and I know it's depression. But I have *never* felt it come on this strongly before. Never. Not even when that whole thing with Luminous happened. I'm scared because there is no source of why this depression has come. But I'm trying to stay strong. I'm going to my doctors later this month (stupid HMO, never enough doctors when you need one).
I don't know who to talk to about this, but it helps to vent either way. Even if no one is there to hear it, it feels good to cry and scream at the walls. People keep telling me how strong I am and how I'll get through it, so maybe I'm stronger than I think. :) Hopefully, I am.
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Sweet rapture in life it ends here tonight