OK, so I've been going through some stuff lately. And Mike told me he'd be here to help me. And he was for a while. Then yesterday I found out he changed his cell phone number. Explain to me how the fuck that's going to help me???

Fuck, I'm done with this, I want to be over this. I want all of this pain, this anxiety, this SHIT to leave me. I want to be back in the happy place I was a few weeks ago. What changed that I'm in this place to begin with? Is it because I see him with that girl all the time? Is it because I know what he's been doing and it's not exactly the Mike I knew? Is it because this is what needs to happen for me to get over him? Is he just wanting to hurt me so much that I leave him alone??? If that's the case, why doesn't he just TELL me he doesn't want me to call him anymore? This is some immature bullshit.

I wish I could just drain everything inside of me to the outside that was bad. I havn't been this anxious or depressed since Henry fucking broke my heart and that was a long time ago and that was high school bullshit. This is the "real life" shit right here. I wish I didn't have to see him at work, with that girl, I wish I didn't have that fear of running into him at the same places that we used to go to. I don't want to see his van or his face or anything that has to do with him. I wish he didn't say he wanted to help me, HE approached ME and asked if I needed help. Then he went away. Fuck.

Times like this I wish I could go to the hospital and get some help, but I can't. I have work and school. I have to be at work in about an hour and school, well, I don't know if I can fucking concentrate right now enough to do my project. This is fucking everything up in my head right now and I don't want this. I never wanted any of this.

If we hadn't moved so fast, if he didn't put everything on me to be 'the one', if I didn't fuck up on him the first time, if he was open to more of the things I wanted to do, if I was less social, if he didn't fuck up some important things for me, if we didn't fucking work together, if this if that, things would be different, maybe we'd be engaged right now still and we'd be comfortable were we were. But I know in my heart of hearts I wasn't true to myself when I was with him, I was who he wanted me to be half the time, I had to train myself to be in this mode where things would go smoothly so that things would be lovely when we were together. And I didn't even realize it until after we broke up. How long would it have taken me if we were still living a lie? I don't know. I don't know why I'm saying these things right now.

Fuck, I just know that little by little, he's been doing things and saying things to me that have been chipping away at my sanity and he's completly changed and he's contradicted very core things about who he was/is and I don't even know what's going on anymore. Why is this hurting me so much? I don't even want to see the guy anymore, and I have to that's why probably. I want to shake him and tell him, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" But I would probably get an apathetic look or sneer and he's walk away or give me a vague answer. Fuck. What's wrong with me? Why am I still thinking about this guy when he's not thinking about me? Why do I still give a damn? Why doesn't he? I've never been this wrapped up before. I gave him EVERYTHING, and now I have what's left over. I know in a few months or years, I'll look back at this and be like, "Bitch, what was your problem?" but right now, I'm in a world full of pain.

God, please, take everything out of me. Please, pull out all the emptyness, the anger, the anxiety, the depression, the out-of-control emotions that I have and take them away from me. I don't want this. PLease, I don't want this. Please, God, help me, carry me and put something inside of me not to feel this pain anymore. PLease take it all away from me.

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I never wanted it to end this way
where flies will lay their eggs