This weekend felt weird. I had work on Sat. no fun at all, it was chaotic as fuck. They sent me home late which made me mad because I needed to be at my grandma's house but I finally got my pics and they were free! yay!

Ever since I was young, my grandparents always talked about how someday I'll be old enough to visit them in my own car and that because one of my 'things to do' in life, to drive in my own car to and from my grandma's house. I did it and it was an awesome drive, I felt like I have come full circle from when I was a little girl. :) There was like a little party for my mom's b-day, it was cool, saw my relatives including one of my cousins that lost 100 lbs, my gawd, I hardly recognized her! Me and Jer left around 7, turns out that my milestone of driving to grandma's is one of his, too. Dropped him off at home and went to pick up Tako.

I picked Tako up, I was happy to see him, joyous even, but I was still hurt a bit from earlier in the week. It made the whole weekend feel weird to me. Stopped by my house and then picked up my bro and the booze, went to Dwayne's. Turned out there was drama there and well, the host wasn't there, I'd rather not go into detail about his business so I'll leave it at that. Smoking and drinking was had by all, some more than others. I stook with Tako the whole night since we made an agreement that I would be his official date. Tako and I stood in the garage the last part of the night. Made our way into the room come morning. Slept until 11 or so, Mr. Steve talked to us as we made our way into the living room. Wake n Bake for Steve and Tako and apparently I sat way too close to them and experienced a mad contact high. I didn't care for that at all, more strengthening the fact that I'll never (intentionally) do drugs.

Ate at the Grand Buffet, came home, slept, showered, I went to church as Tako slept some more. Father John gave an AWESOME sermon on money and finances. Sweet, came home and did some internet stuff with dad and showed Tako some of my pics and music. :D He was so cute laying his head in my lap. We layed down with eachother until around 1am then I had to sleep on the couch until my dad went to work. Came back in and slept with my babe until the afternoon. We ate at another chinese buffet place in Azusa next to Costco.

Made our way to his house and had a Q & A session of sorts. Found out why and when he liked me. He asked me if things changed for me about how I feel for him, and I told him the truth. We had a long convo in the car in the parking lot of his apartment about where we stand; we're too scared of hurting eachother so we're just keeping a relationship in the back of our minds and enjoying eachother for the time being. He says if I'll really his, I'll come back to him. And I know I will when I'm ready.

Came home really late because of an accident on the freeway, ate and talked to mom, locked myself in my room and cried. I havn't cried like that in months, but I cried and cried and it felt really fucking good to just get it all out of me. I used to feel this frustrated and chaotic inside right before I would cut myself but I don't want to go back to that, I never want to go back to that, so I just cried like a little girl.

So I'm back to my life in BP, pissed off about loosing my charm with the barbed wire heart with two roses in it. :( tomorrow is work, Thursday is payday (maybe I'll see James) and we get our bonuses that day. BTW, I got my tax return, a whopping $53, and I really need it. Jer has an interview at WalMart tomorrow, I can't feakin' believe he might be a cashier!!!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!! Awesomeness, no? My comp has something wrong with it, fuck, and um...that's about it.

There's just something unexplainable about sleeping next to him, the way he holds me in his sleep no matter where he changes possitions while he sleeps. How I can hear him breathe and his heart beat and know when he's in a deep sleep. How when we wake up he kisses me and smiles at me and pulls me close as he can to him. I love how effortlessly he can move me around. Makes me feel like a doll. He listened to my heartbeat last night and noticed it's irregularity. He liked that about me, I remember how he looked when he looked up at me as his head was on my chest, I'm thinking about it right now...

oh, there are pics, but I don't feel like resizing them right now so I'll post them later or something. blah.

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if you love something, let it go
if it comes back, it's yours, you know
if it doesn't let it be
something else will come, you see