For those of you who e-mailed me and called me to see if I'm still alive, thank you kindly. I am VERY appriciative. *muah*

A bunch of the kids from Ash's college went to eat at KFC before the wake. We ordered our food and we all realized at the same moment in a weird, weird way that we couldn't eat what we ordered. We got a big bucket and gave all the left-over chicken to Al Sherif (we call him The Sheriff LOL) because K'shwar's not cooking right now and the man admittedly can't open a can of tuna to save his life. LOL

I went to the wake today. It was surreal. Ash's sisters came from India. They didn't know much English except for Hello, Goodbye, Ice Cream and Chair. Random words. :p Most of the family was there, dressed in their ethnic garb, speaking thier native toungue. The rest of us were dressed respectfully. As the night wore on, it became more and more uncomfortable for all of us to be there. The collage that we did a few nights ago looked weird next to his casket. His parents blew up his highschool graduation picture. His hair grew a lot since then. We were all very lost in the moment and we communicated with eachother without talking at all. I only really know one guy there that I had met prior to the accident, that was a guy called Thomas. He's been my ride/buddy this whole time. We both kind of collapsed on eachother during the wake, but we didn't make a scene of ourselves. I'm really glad that I had someone to be all emotional with. Thomas and I get along well, but I'm afraid of opening up to someone else again, especially considering the circumstances and reason why we met again. He's an open book and so am I, I guess that's why we're buddies, but I'm afraid of getting close to someone again. I dunno...*sigh*

And I don't know if it's because of a sense of vulnerability or because I don't really have anyone to talk to the way I want to talk, but Vidal has actually been a really big help to me. He lets me bitch and rant and scream and cry about everything and anything and doesn't try to make sense of my nonsensical spewings. He just listens and tells me shit that he knows that'll make me feel better. As hard as it is to admit it, he is one of the four people who know me very very well. (the other three are my mom, Henry [yes, good ol' Henry, aka Luminous, the guy knows me all too well], and Tonzy [because he's awesome and I love him sooooo]) I guess the other reason why this is working for me, too, is that he doesn't sleep and doesn't have a cerfew on the phone. I've felt overwhelmed and I've called him in the dead of night and he's been there for me.

Don't worry, cool cats and kittens, especially Spam and all the church collective. We're not getting back together, that is NOT in the cards or in the stars. He's just there for me right now and I'll take what I can get. And a lot of you know I'm a big fan of second chances, but not to an insane degree. I'm also recently very aware of the fact that I can loose anyone at any time and I wouldn't want to leave with anyone mad or uspet with me, so I'm working on that one person at a time. (Damn Luminous...he was right all along...)

Anyways, here I am, not looking forward to the funeral. Because then I will have to accept the fact that this man isn't going to call me back. That he won't take me out again and we won't talk and make fun of eachother. That his caller ID won't come up on my phone anymore and I can't hug him the way that I used to, with my hands at his waiste because he is so tall. And his arms would wrap around my back and his hair would ALWAYS stick to my glasses when we pulled apart. When I was at the wake, all I could think was, "This is what's left of him, right in front of me. This is it. This is him." I almost wished he would jump out of the casket and say, "Gotcha!" or something and make us all really glad he was fine but angry that he had tricked us. But that wasn't going to happen. And it won't happen tomorrow or any other day. I talked this over with Thomas and he said he had the same thoughts as to the mortality issue. He drove me home and told me to call him if I need anything and I told him to do the same with my number, but I don't think I can call him because I'm afraid of making a new connection with someone and loosing the connections I have with people already. I'm in auto-matic right now with acting sort of standoffish towards the people I love, bear with me, I'm just feeling like I can't get too close. And I'm trying to re-establish myself with some old friends.

Maybe this is wrong thinking, or demented, or justified...but...I don't feel like I'm going to be saying goodbye to Ash...I feel like I'm saying, "I'll be waiting for you, mAsh."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

but you just can't tell
who'll you love and who you won't
and i love you, as you love me
so let the clouds roll by your face
we'll let the world spin on to another place
we'll climb the tallest tree above it all
to look down on you and me and them
and i'm sure you know me well, as i'm sure you don't
but you just can't tell, who you'll love and who you won't
don't let your life wrap up around you
don't forget to call, whenever
i'll be here just waiting for you
i'll be under your stars forever
neither here nor there just right beside you
i'll be under the stairs forever
neither here nor there just right beside you