First "Real" Post in Quite Some Time...yeah, says it all, doesn't it? Yeah, so here's the part where I update on my life. Interesting, huh? -Health: I've been sick for quite sometime now. I've just *barely* gotten over a cold that I have had for a month straight. (I was getting better, but I smoked a few ciggies in the cold air and had a complete relapse) I had to deprive myself of milk and shakes iced cream for a while (because I get worse when I have milky dairy products) and having milk and iced cream again tastes as if I had never had it before and it's lovely. I've quite smoking...for lent...and I've been wanting a ciggy really bad, but it's better if I don't have one right now so I can make sure that I'm really over my cold right now. I had a really bad anxiety attack the other night. I was at Mike's house and I had one. He saw me have one. He saw me crying and nauseated and hyperventalating. Mike saw me vulnerable. He saw me crack, he saw me break. He helped me, too. He calmed me down and helped me. He's my angel. I love him very much. He keeps me safe. He keeps me calm. And I've been vomiting a lot. And he's been there. And he's helped me. My psycho meds doctor ordered some bloodwork for me yesterday and she found that some of my test results were "abnormal" so I have to talk to a doctor about my results. I will try not to be surprised about anything they find. I've been eating everything in site lately. And my vision's been blurred. And I'm dizzy. I blame this all, by the way, from second hand pot smoke. My brother has two marijuana plants growing in his room and he's been drying out and testing out his crop's offerings. They've been good. Very good. At least, for him. I'm getting the side effects without even trying. I wish he would stop, but even my dad's been helping him out. (In a way to get closer to him?) -Family: see the last part of paragraph two. My dad and I are at odds from time to time (like always) but nothing serious. He's getting to know Mike a lot more. I feel as if he's using him, though, and he has no right to! He barely knows the guy! Mom has been getting to know Mike more as well. :) Mom scared me today because we were supposed to go out to dinner, just the two of us. And I was really looking forward to it, but instead she went out with my brother and his girlfriend with not so much as a phone call. I was worried after she hadn't come home after almost 2 hours after getting out of work. I cried when she came home because she hadn't called and I thought she had been in an accident. But that's alright now. I worry about my mom. I love her. -Friends/Boyfriends: I've not hung out with a lot of my friends lately, with the exception of last Saturday were Spam, Tonzy, David, Mike, and myself went out to Club Zion. I have been away from my friends, not on purpose, but not making a real effort, either. I am trying, I've just been anti-social and complacent where I am. Mike and I are fine, I've never been happier with anyone like this before. I've never had a guy, nay, and adult take care of me the way that he does. He's everything that I've been waiting for. I don't know if I'm fully ready for this, everything's happening so fast and everything seems perfect. I don't know how to be happy and I'm afraid I'll ruin this for myself; in ways, I have ruined it, but I suffer in silence. Come the day it will all be out and I'll have been in the place I've wanted but dreaded. I feel like there is something very wrong with me in every way about me and Mike. I've been too emotional and complaing too much about little things and I have absolutely no right to complain at all about anything of him. I don't want to loose what I have by being a nagging little bitch. And I feel as if my bluntness may be hurting him. -Spiritual: Mike and I are both struggling with this, but at the same time we're trying to help eachother. It's been ages since I've been to a Life Teen mass and I miss it. I'm used to it. It's what I love. Mike and I have been going to either the Saturday masses or the early 10:30 AM mass. (we have been going to mass, though, kids!!! Don't worry: don't freak out! :p) We made a deal that we would go for all the masses in lent and beyond for as long as possilbe. It's also been ages since I had seen Father John give a mass (until last week) and Mike was really touched by his sermon. Mike also wants to start going to confirmation classes, which is good. I gave up ciggies and something else for lent, the something else is personal. I'm trying. I'm trying. I so wanted to go to confession a week or two before lent, but now I'm scared to death of the whole ordeal. I want nothing to do with it. But I so desperately need it. I need to gather my strength to go and fully confess everything. I'm frightened to the brink of falling to my knees when I walk in and see it happening, so I avoid it. But I know that's never the answer. mutter mutter.... -Everything else?: I'm so fucking pissed all the time. I'm angry all the time and I do/don't know why. I'm irritated at the slightest things and I don't want any voices, any contact and when I'm faced with it, I have to hold my breath until it passes and swallow it. I just want peace and for no one to bother me. I'm tired of answering questions that are repetative and predictable. I'm tired of trying to listen to people that I have absolutely no interest in listening to, espeically if the other person knows it. I'm always constantly surrounded by people. I feel like being selfish and just locking myself in my room with no contact whatsoever. I just want me and my book. (I'm reading Thinner by Richard Bachman; I got it at the Thrift Store for only 49 cents. I'm dying to see the movie now, even though I'm only half-way through the book. I've been wanting to see the movie since it got out, but I had no idea it was a book first. I like reading the book to the movie if the book came out first.) Yeah, so right now I'm angry. I'm trying to control my anger. I'm going to start running again and get my agression out there. I want to cry all the time at tiny little things. I want to scream at some people "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!" when they know what they're doing to me is wrong. I want to physically harm people when they hurt me and I want to have a fit right in front of them, but I can't do this. I have to stuff it inside of me. I have had moments recently where I've wanted to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I used to want to bleed myself out in the bathtub; if you have read some of those past entries, you know I obsessed about this for a very long time. Now, I want the gun. But only sometimes. Recently. Sometimes. Don't worry about this at all. This will all pass by and I won't feel it anymore. I'm glad I won't feel it anymore. I'm glad. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* bY tHe WaY, i sLeEp aLL DaY, i'M so....TiReD....