Last nights dream:

It starts off with me in my living room and I am mercilessly beating the living crap out of my brother. It's unprovicated and he looks extremely hurt as I'm hurting him. The look on his face hurts me inside and out cos he didn't deserve what I'm doing to him, in this dream he is innocent but I just can't stop beating him, I'm so angry and hurt and I'm also getting angrier that he doesn't seem to know why I'm beating him. In my dream he is younger but has long bleached blonde hair. While he's wincing in pain, I get all his hair and I cut it all off, kind of adding insult to injury, even in this dream it is a horrible thing to do to someone. He's just laying there, in pain.

My dad walks in the room and my brother is gone. He asks me, "Did you take Jerry's hair?" and I can see blonde straight hairs on the carpet strewn about like when uncooked spaghettie noodles fall. The room was dimly lit but only in the area where the hair was and I stood on top of the hair in the dim area and said, "I don't see any hair..." being super conspicuous but my dad didn't seem to notice or show too much concern.

Later in the dream I was talking to Tako, I must have been sitting cos he seemed very very tall. He was wearing a really nice gray suite jacket with coattails over a button-down white shirt and a red sweater vest over it. His pants looked like tuxedo pants with a long silver pocket watch chain sliding down the right side, his hands were in his pockets. I can't remember anything we said.

Then I was in the prison Saul is at. I was waiting to see him and very excited to be with him, but when I looked down at my feet I noticed I was wearing sandles and I was freaking out because I didn't know if they would let me in with sandals like the ones I was wearing cos they resembled shower shoes. I knew I didn't have extra shoes with me and I was really upset with myself for not bringing an extra change of clothes cos then I was rethinking the skirt I was wearing.

Somehow I got to the point that I was with Saul, we were laying down in a comfortable bed and he was touching my face, I was being held in his left arm. We kissed and I could feel the graze of his stubble. He was still in his prison issued clothes.

When I woke up, I felt very perplexed at the strange things that happened in the dream. I can still feel that sense of mixed anger that I couldn't control toward my brother and trying to hide that part of me from my family. It's come out a few times and I'm afraid to let my anger out too much because they'll see me for what I really am and they may not understand me or feel they know me anymore. I felt that absolute guilt from crossing a line I never want to cross with anyone, knowing I couldn't take it back and I damaged our relationship for no good reason as he was not the same person who hurt me so badly in real life.

I was also wondering why I couldn't hear Tak talking at all, all I saw was him turing around as if he was being called or telling me something.

I was worried about messing things up for myself with the part of me visiting Saul, taht i'd somehow sabatoged my important visiting with him. I was angry with myself because of that. But there I was somehow with him, in his arms, knowing that he loved me.

I get to call tomorrow for an appointment to see him. <3