So here I lie awake with a thousand thoughts swarming through my head. I was supposed to go to Steve's but I complete passed out. (Steve, I'm really sorry, I don't even remember falling asleep. I'll make it up to you. I'm sorry, I'm a horrible friend...:( )

I talked to Tak on the phone, don't know what else to say about that. I want to take a chance, but something's keeping me back. These past two weeks have been weird and I can't shake this weird feeling I have about it. I'm so fucking scared of fucking this man's life up. There, I said it. I feel like a disease when I touched people; I infect them either for the good or the bad. My heart's not ready to be with someone. Or maybe I gotta stop liking people who like me. Maybe I need more self control than I already do. When you get to the point where you're kissing someone and you feel something and it's scary, what should that tell you? Or you kiss someone and you want to come running back for more but you know you can't...

I've got a lot running through my mind like I told you before, one person in particular keep soaring through my mind like a beautiful memory, I had a dream about this person because I went to sleep thinking about this person but methinks I fucked up already so I'm gonna have to let that go, but a little peice of me doesn't want to let go, it's like, FUCK, why? I don't want anything more, do I? No...do I? No...I know already I can't. I really don't want anything more 'status' wise speaking relationship terms, but I want more of this person in general...SHIT!!!! How did I get to this point? It's my mouth, it always get me in trouble. I should sew the damn thing shut. But then maybe guy's would just be intruigued by that just as well, mouth peircings are so hot...Hmmm....yeah, I'd better walk away from this, I already messed up. But knowing me, the first chance I get, I'll hang out with that person. *sigh* let it fucking go, girl, let it fucking go, take it for what it was and run with it.

Since I was little, I'm talking like Kindergarten here, I always wanted boys around me, which is really fucking strange considering I was molested since I can't remember by a guy. But I always needed their attention, always wanted one to love me, always needed them around me, alwyas wanted them to claim me. It got worse as I entered junior high, hormones, blah blah blah. High school was better, I got a lot of people's attention, had a lot of boyfriends, was really stupid about it of course, who isn't in high school? High school fades, and I don't really learn my lesson about taking hearts for granted until Mike rolls around. Thank God for that. Mike set me straight; he gave me a shoulder to cry on and a slap in the face to cut my shit out. I can honestly say if I'm ever in a committed relationship, I'll never cheat on another guy again. And comming from me, that's some heavy shit considering I've cheated a lot, I know I used to be a slutbag, I admit that. It's better to fess up to who you are/where than deny it when there's a mountain of evidence right beside you.

I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I feel comfortable in my own self to spill my guts when something's on my mind. Maybe I'm also a little crazy because I accidently fucked around with my lady pills now my system's all out of wack. Didn't get that luvly thing girls get every month, not that I'm worried about having a little critter in me, trust I've had so many times where I practically ASKED for it and it never came (and this is definetly NOT one of those times, I've been safe and smart about that stuff), just the hormonal/medical aspect of it worries me. That reminds me; I need to take the first of my new batch of pills right now. Excuse me ::===:: OK, back on track. Hopefully my icky cramps will go away. yummy, ice cold water, Lord knows why I slept with the heater on. It's beautiful outside right now, reminds me of the times I used to sneak out of my house to visit Henry when he was worth sneaking out the house for. The walk there was so peaceful, a person could think. Had I the balls (or maybe the lack of sense and fear that I used to have) I might go out walking around the neighborhood right now. I can think maybe. Maybe?

Maybe I should try to STOP thinking.
Uh, but I'm up!!!! >.<
DAMN IT!!!
Don't feel like taking sleeping pills.
Don't feel like cracking open that bottle of Jager alone.
I'm NoT An ADdiCt.
i'M nOt aN adDIcT.
I'M NOT AN ADDICT.

*whew*...count to 10...make a wish...*

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pull my hair, slap my face, let me know the deep disgrace