So yesterday Vidal was over and he invited me to go to the Calvery chaple's prayer night. He wanted me to meet Hector. I told him maybe another night because I wanted to stay for part two of Gardian Angels. Pita isn't going to be our youth minister anymore. I'm sad, but I know that she'll delight others (and us) always.
Vidal's been wanting me to see this movie called Equilibrium. It's supposed to be better than The Matrix. I might be the only person who isn't all "Ooooh!" about The Matrix. It's painfully clear that I fear change in the most stupidest ways. For example: I don't like watching movies that I might like. Why? I have no f*cking clue. Well, it might have something to do with this one time where my parents took me and my little brother to the movies when we were VERY young and they wanted to see the double-feature (yes, they had those back in the day). The second movie was one called Fire in the Sky. I did NOT want to see it. And they should have listened to me because it turned out to be a really confusing and frightening movie for children. I guess I'm afraid of getting that feeling again. I'm so tramatized.
I don't listen to bands I might enjoy. Why? That one I know: I feel like if I don't get totally immersed in them, I'll miss something from them that's really great by that band. It's kind of an all or nothing deal. That's one of the reasons I didn't start to listen to Smashing Pumpkins or Silverchair or Marilyn Manson in the first place, it's an innane reason, but I had to have it forced upon me so I can know that it's not that bad and, yes, it's wonderful!!!!
It's weird though because every time Marilyn Manson is on TV, I don't want to see it even though I love his band a lot. I don't know what my fear or my deal is. I do the same thing with people I like. I try to avoid them or else I get way to into that person. And once something goes wrong, I use that as an excuse to stop liking/getting to know that person. It's like a safety mechanism for me. But that same way of protecting myself, I let that be the thing that destroys it for me and that person. (Tonzy knows this better that anyone)
I love change and accept it, but I'm not changing. That's not good. I need to change. I need to get better than what I am now. I need to get over my tramatized/dramatized self. :p
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Close your eyes and sleep. Don't wait up for me. Hush now don't you speak to me