I had a dream, not last night but the night before, that I was at a circus and me, some other girl, and Shannon from work were all tied to the top. And I can see all my work people lined up but not really, the looked like a painting. After a while, Shannon just climed down and so did me and the other girl.

Last night, I dreamt that Kevin and me were at a store in the mall and we were together. We ran past by Mike and his girlfriend laughing and smiling and into this big arena within the mall. There was a stadium with bleachers and the floor was covered in sand. I sat at the top of the bleachers and watched Kevin talk to Mike and the girlfriend. They waved at me friendly and I waved back. Then I was on the floor in the sand and Kevin's head was in my lap and I was going through the sand with a shovel and pail and told him, "This isn't no ordinary sand..." because there was a big event were cancer survivors came here and celebrated living and beating the disease. There was something written in the sand but I can't remember what it said. Parts of the sand had just fine sand and then there was a lot of shells, a billion shells, all kinds of shapes and sized, appearing out of nowhere. The sand was wet but we were dry.

I don't know what this means, I'm going to look it up in my dream book. But I know when I have dreams about people acting like this towards me, the opposite is true. (I havn't seen Mike in almost two months, much to my relief. Everytime I see his girlfriend pass by, I'm nice and smile because I do that to everyone at work and I really don't know her and she seems okay but she doesn't smile back. jeeze) I think it's time I stopped making an effort. Kevin wanted me to still be in his life but he hasn't made an effort to call or message and whatnot, I don't expect him to, either. He seems very happy and content with his life right now and I don't have a place in there anymore. What good could I be doing him? I'm not even there! Why would he still want me around when he's happy with what he has? *shrugs* Maybe after I give him the money he's owed, I'll slink away, it'll be silent. Honestly, things will be the same as they are right now. I still care about him, still wish that things were right for us to be together, and I accept that they just wern't and they never will be. I guess my brain or my heart havn't gotten the messege yet, try as I might. I love talking to him as a friend, he's a terrific person, but I have no place in his life anymore. I wouldn't want to loose him from my life but I feel like I have already. What else could I do?

I threw up stomach acid this morning. It's disgusting. This is different from my usual gagging that I had last week. No work for me today. I have things to do anyhow. I got paid today. :D *Squee!* I'm so sick.

oh well.

till we part,
xoxo, mErci