note to self: don't take a mood stabilizer that makes you have horrific dreams and can't wake up in the morning. some of you have been worried about me, in what's been going on in a certain area of my life. yes, i am no longer seeing that guy. yes, i was warned about this over and over again, including by that guy. no, it's not his fault, he loves someone else more. no, i can't be mad about this because i put him in the same spot a long time ago. the fact that i came back complicated things i suppose but i couldn't live without him. he accepted me for as long as he could but now i'm going to have to die because i choose to live. i'm going to come back stronger and better than before, with more understanding, with better ability to herald warnings, without the want to want to waste away for anyone else. we gave a lot of ourselves to one another and now i'm a waste and he's tormented. we didn't and never needed eachother, we were just being selfish with one another and i'll do better remembering that. i should know better than to try to help those who themselves they cannot be save. i'm too caring but i shall continue to care but not in the same way or volume as i have been. he still wants me around but it's understood i'm not to love him the way i did/do/have. he says he still wants me around because i'm a part of his soul and he is etched in my heart, but i can't rely that he'll want me around forever because I know he can push me away farther and I can do the same to him. i don't know my boundaries anymore and it's going to take a while for me to get my footing again. but right now i just want to be left alone with myself, just figure myself out again because, once again, i've lost myself. i know i'll be okay but i just need time and i need to lay back and let God heal my broken heart. i'm praying that i'll get over this, what i feel is love for the first time (and i know it because it was beautiful and horrible). i pray i don't care as much for him and that i don't feel for him as much anymore. my mind goes back and forth from rage to sadness but this was my doing and i cannot continue like this anymore. if someone wants me again they'll have to give themselves,too. i will no longer go out of my way to do anything for him anymore on my own accord. i've given too much of myself trying to fill and empty well and now i'm empty and the well was leaking. if he wants me, he knows where to find me and i'll be there as a friend and nothing more and things will be different though i know and don't know how yet. i'm looking forward to the future for myself in whatever God has in His will for me and i pray for my soul mate, wherever he is, that he may be waiting for me as i am waiting for him and when the time is right we may be with one another. but it's going to be a while before i think about that. i just want to fix myself. i have one more obstacle to overcome before i can start to completely get over things and this isn't going to be easy or pretty or pleasant for me but i can only pray that it does happen. i've gotten over these types of things before, i can do it again with the love of Jesus and that's all i can do is work on myself, let this pass, and hope for the future. I will carry on. I choose to live. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* i won't let this build up inside of me he isn't real...i can't make him real...