I can�t even pretend that I haven�t been trying to keep up with the blogs at all, just so much to do and not enough time to do it, really. Work takes up a good portion of my day, obviously, and I�m glad to be working during these times of crisis! Bittersweet: I may keep this job until June because the lady I�m subbing for has cancer and her doctor advised her not to come back in April because she is quite ill. :( I�m happy to stay here, I�m sad because of the circumstances though. I�m still really enjoying my job, the only thing that�s kind of eh is that right now I have a lot of downtime while I wait for schools to send their paperwork for me to process and my assignment as front office assistant/nurses assistant has ended at the elementary school (this I�m very sad about, I love my kids!!!). I�m also not used to getting paid once a month, especially when things are due!!!

Lately, I�ve been having a hard time with my emotions. I find myself getting really angry or really sad about things very easily. Two nights ago I was crying for a long time at night because I�ve been bottling up my emotions about certain things, pretending day to day if you will about how happy I am or how many things I can handle. I feel like throughout parts of the day I�m acting how I�m supposed to, not how I really feel cos how I really feel would scare people. (heck, it�s scaring me) I�ve been having a crisis of conscience about how I�ve acted toward others, how unforgiving I�ve been and the steps I�ll need to take in actively working on forgiving the people I need to and how I�m going to express that. Little by little, I�ll get this achieved.

I�m still stressed out over my school closing and how I have to start all over again. I still attend my current school to help the students who are on the edge of graduating finish their required labs, though it feels like a lot less fun than it used to be. (I�ve found a new class to attend in June, thankfully! My current teach is going to open up a night class at her other school site) I talked to the Mayor of Baldwin Park briefly about my school shutting down at another awards presentation at a city council meeting and he gave me his contact information to talk about it. He�s starting a rally for the cause of calling attention to the budget cuts, its set for Good Friday though so I don�t know how many people would show up. I was also taken by surprise by Tak�s sudden departure to New Mexico with his family, but it�s what he has to do and I understand why & support him. I get scared when certain people leave the area. I don�t know why exactly. I just like to know how my friends are doing and how I can help them if I can, especially when they�ve helped me so much. <3

My mom�s birthday was on March 20th, which is also the official first day of spring. The night before, my mom and I both had dreams about my grandpa/her dad. (see it here, the second dream described http://somafeysuicides.livejournal.com/365523.html) This is our first year without Grandpa here for mom�s birthday, and he would always do something that day, he would make it special. Mom, dad, Jer and I went to Macaroni Grill to celebrate. Jer and I took a photo earlier in the day and I put it in a cool Technicolor I Love Lucy frame I found at the thrift store. (oi, but Jer was making me laugh when we took the picture, he kept saying �We don�t want none of your government candy!� and it kept making me giggle! 10 points to whoever knows where that line is from) My mom loves I Love Lucy and she always likes having pictures of my brother and I so this was perfect, I had been waiting to use it since Christmas! Mom is simple when it comes to gifts and she was glad I found something she liked that wasn�t expensive and, more importantly, was from the heart.

My brother�s social anxiety gets the best of him a lot and ruins a lot of our outings; we had to go home right away after trying to go to Walmart to buy Beatles Rock Band. (they didn�t have it for Wii, none of the Walmarts in our area do!) Most of the time he�s rolling on his prescription Zanex, it�s something else to see someone�s motor skills go out the window abruptly, even if you are expecting it. My bro�s actually been pretty pleasant to be around, he seems more mature, a bit happier and a LOT less angry. I still don�t let my guard down, I just can�t. Anyhow, the next day the family and I went to visit Grandpa�s grave. We cleaned up the grave stone and put fresh flowers in the cup. It was peaceful and I�m glad we went to see him. I like my special time at the cemetery, it gives me a chance to feel closer to God and to my grandpa who loved God so much.

More or less, my days are comprised of work and looking for more of my Repo! shadowcast costume pieces. I�m having fun finding everything but it�s tough when I can�t find something or I can�t buy it yet! Also, I�ve been researching everything I need to buy to budget things properly. The most expensive part of the costumes will be the prescription special effect contact lenses, $115 for screen accurate and it will be worth it though!

Also, I�ve been planning a trip to see Saul, finally! It�s been so many months since I�ve been able to (safely) travel up to see him. (I say safely because when I was to go in December it was snowing up north and there was black ice everywhere. I�ve never encountered driving in snow, much less black ice!) The last few times I went to see him I woke up at a ridiculous time in the morning and drove 3 hours straight to the prison and I�m always lethargic and zombie-like during the visit. So this time to avoid this I�ll rent the car for the entire weekend, drive up the night before and stay up at a hotel near Avenal. There�s a hotel IN Avenal where I could stay but based on the conversation I had with the owners and the online reviews, the place seems shady. Like, waking up in a bathtub of ice with a kidney missing, shady. It�s going to be a bit expensive, this trip, but I really want to see my love! He�s getting out in less than 90 days as of today!!!! I�m so so happy, I want him to come home and stay home, he doesn�t need to be in there, one day was too many days to be incarcerated for someone else�s crime. Anyhow, we�re really looking forward to this very long overdue visit! We don�t talk a lot on the phone anymore because the yard he was moved to has a really strict schedule on when to use the phones. *le sigh*

I have so many other things to address, it�s making my head spin thinking about it. A lot of the times I�m overwhelmed I tend to shut down and be non-productive but I�m happy to say this has not happened recently! For instance, I FINALLY made the logo for Obscure Discoveries so MPsy and I can put that on our Esty! And I did a few watermarks for his photography. It may not be walking on the moon but it�s definitely a step in the right direction. I�m looking forward to a lot of things, I don�t know what to expect but all I can do is go through all these things without fear and with a positive attitude.

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wake me up