Do you think it's worse to fall in love with a great white lie or to know the horrible truth for all that it is and be completely disapointed in it? A lot of people that I used to love are absolutely not the same people that I feel in love with. Their faces are the same, they look the same, but they've changed. The characteristics and the values and things they held onto that were once so near and dear to their hearts have been discarded and thrown away as if someone had flipped a switch within them and it's nothing to have lost those things anymore. They've changed completely. Maybe if they didn't change I would still be in love with them and I would be happy. But I've changed, too, and I can't imagine not having changed. Maybe it's the way of life to renew yourself completely to as have no sign or recolection of the person you once were. It's hard for me to accept that because I forget sometimes what's on the outside is no longer a part of what it is on the inside. I want to run to what was once there, but it's dead and gone, destroyed and obliterated, tossed aside and thrown away. But It's also hard to imagine that I could have stayed the way that people had known me. So I have to accept the change in other people. I really don't want to, but I have to. I have to hold on to some sort of familiarity in myself or else I fear that people that once loved me for who I was will feel indifferent towards me as I have towards others.

I say this because I feel like there will be a huge change in me in the comming days. I say this because I feel it in my heart. I know not how yet. I know not what is going to happen. But I know that I'm going to change. And I'm so scared. I'm afraid and alone and I have nothing to cling onto. I just want to close my eyes and wake up when it's done, but I know this cannot be.

I have a lot of work to do.