School: I'm so heartbroken right now. The props to keep my school open failed miserably and now I'm not sure what's going to happen except for the fact that our school will shut down, I'm just not sure when. This is just so totally unjustifiably unfair for all of us who are trying to do the right thing and stimulate the job market by getting better jobs. How the fuck is it even conscionable to take from health care and education? It's totally fucking ridiculous is what it is. Fuck. It's fucked up that my school closed as I was going to get a good health care career, I hope those fuckers who dreamed this up to line their pockets get what's coming to them for true. I'm going to look for another school, my plan b school included, once the dust settles and we see what we're really looking at. I put my heart into my glasses, did everything I could do study and get great greats, learn every technique properly and follow safety protocol and then this happens. I know I'll get over it and life will go on, but I'm not going quietly. It's fucking unfair and stupid. Fuck. Jobs: Still jobless, still looking everywhere. I saw an opening for an insurance company, also applied to put flyers on car windows, write for a brochure, anything. I've got money coming in but I'd like not to be on unemployment too much longer, I need a job, I feel useless, I have skills and am employable, damn it! Home: I have no home, I have a place where my stuff and bed are. I made a decision that even if my brother does get thrown out, I'll have to leave because I fear ramifications coming to me from him. He has no problem hurting me, I'm sure he'll have no problem killing me. For what? A little bit of money. I've lost a lot of respect for my parents, they've promised me over and over and over again that they would kick him out, but he still stays disrespecting them by selling drugs, bringing squatters to eat our food and use our house like a hotel, and possibly case our house. He threatens bodily harm to us, breaks every rule in the house and runs my parents like puppets, steals things, sells things, does what he wants with no consequences. We're the ones who pay. Yesterday when I came home, I gave my mom $100 and when she tried to give it back to me I choked out, "I don't want it," and stood in my room the rest of the night. I really don't know why I did that but I guess it was my way of showing my respect to them for putting a roof over my head when they don't have to but also telling them that I'm just a body in this house trying to do the right thing, trying pay my way out of here. I don't want to be here anymore, I'm going to die here if I stay. He'll kill me, I know he will and it will be over something small. I'm slowly severing my ties with this house, I'm in the process of getting my own PO box so I can separate my mail from them, my parents left my unemployment check in plain sight of my brother, I can't have that ever again. It's also very extremely frustrating that I cannot leave anything of my own out in the open for any reason at all or else my brother will steal it. I had to call my dad to hide something of mine that I left out accidentally. Spirituality: Despite all these things, I still continue to see my center in the Lord, I pray constantly and know that God will help me throughout all my troubles so long as I never give up on myself or on my faith. God has a plan for me, what to which I do not know still but he has a great plan for me and I know so long as I keep my faith and pushing to be more than what I am right now, I'm going to earn so many great things. I've been back peddling too much, I know, I felt so empty this weekend, so horrid, so full of nothing and I know it's cos I lost my way for a bit, but I can always come back. I don't want to ever feel that emptiness again. I'll do well to get back on my path with God leading me, He is my light and my center. Friends: I'm losing a lot of them. I'm tired of being in one-sided friendships, so sick of extending myself to the breaking point without any recognition or need for it, really. I'm not as caring, patient, or friendly as I used to be to these people and I can't be again because so many times I've been shown it doesn't matter, I don't matter, I don't make a difference in these people's lives so why try? So many of my so-called "friends" have chosen to disrespect me and overstep the boundaries I set for myself and for them in interacting with me when I made clear my boundaries. I do not call these people friends anymore, nor do I wish to want to interact with them anymore. They lost my trust and they will have to go through amazing lengths to attain my trust once again. I can count my really awesome friends on my one hand, those are the only people I need and want, the rest of everyone else can kick rocks. It's so hard for me to make true and honest connections with people, this world is so awful and the people in it are poison. Love: I'm still so happy that I still have the love of my life with me. We're closer than ever, though we're still so far apart. Sometime between Monday and today they transferred Saul to prison. This was inevitable and expected, part of this all being over soon, though I can't help but be sad because I don't know how long he'll be away, if they'll take him again, where he is or where he'll end up; once again they've misplaced my babe. I'm scared for his health and safety, I know I won't be able to see him for at least three weeks and I won't be able to see him as often. This is still a good thing though because his time will go by quicker and he'll have more privileges than he did where he was. And the visits will be contact! I haven't felt him touch me or heard his voice without being filtered through a phone in almost 200 days. I got a letter from him today, the last he sent in San Bernardino. It was beautiful, he writes the things that make me cry because he loves me so much and I mean so much to him. He means so much to me, he's my future. This I'm certain of, even if things will be hard, I can't imagine being with anyone else, it would be wrong. I've become so much better because of him, he's change because of me. He accepts me wholly and fully, he's never asked me to compromise who I am and has treated me so well. We're both aiming toward the same destination and we want it to be with one another. He's the reason I have a lot of drive to do the right things now and days, he's the reason why I don't give up or run away from things anymore. Saul's the one. I do everything for him. I'll do anything for him. I'm patiently waiting for him. <3 Health: Mentally, I'm pretty horrible. I'm very angry, emotional and on edge all the time. I have moments were I enjoy myself and am calm and happy but they don't last too long. I'm too sensitive at times and I lash out at the wrong people. Or I keep things bottled up inside so I don't make waves and it only hurts me inside. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to because everyone else has their problems, who am I to put mine on other people? That's why I write; I get everything out of me where I can see it and things become more clear. Physically, I think I've gained some weight, I don't know for sure. I haven't been taking as good care of myself as I should but I've been taking small steps to get back on track. I had some blood tests a few weeks ago, nothing bad or alarming to report, thank goodness. I have a cavity I'm going to take care of in my molar at the end of the month, it's going to cost me a pretty penny, too. Good thing I've been hording my money. Money: It's tight but I've been saving up a storm. I went on a little spree with Matt on Monday but the rest has been on bills and such. With school up in the air, I need to save more cos the school that's my plan b is $1,200 but will almost guarantee me a place in Kaiser. I also need to save up for a new car, Lilith has a leak in the radiator somewhere. O.O I'd also like a new compy and camera, but first things first, of course. I'm still hiding money from myself, it's working really well so far but I need to stash away more. Social Life: I've been forcing myself to go out more and have been having a blast for the most part. I think I may be outgrowing parties...or I'm just not prone to me being drunk anymore. I'll keep going to parties to find out. LOL I'm going to meet up with Tako this weekend, ought to be awesome! Mr. K invited me to a concert to see Amanda Palmer next month, She Wants Revenge is also playing next month. There are two Abney Park things going on later this year. Anime Expo is coming! I still haven't worked on my maid cosplay, argh. >.< This is my first AX so I'm going to see it for all it's AX glory I suppose. I'm going to be rooming with some great people so I ought to be having a lot of fun with everyone. I'm determined to go to Little Tokyo and the beach sometime soon. My church is having a gambling trip at the end of the month but I really need to get my teeth taken care of. I've also been hanging with Matt a lot, he gets me and deals with my weirdness, which I like. He's been a great old new friend LOL I'm still trying to keep in touch with my core friends but I know it's hard when everyone's going to school, going to their job or looking for a job and such. tl;dr: Life is crumbling as life does at times, but I still remain strong in faith, God, and my love. I didn't mean for this to sound like a big bitch fest but I just wanted to get all the bad stuff out of me before it swam around in my head too long. I'm 100% happy for everything in my life, even the things that don't work out because I know my time will come if I keep working hard at the things I want to attain. There are big things in the works soon, I know it, I can feel it like no other. Something big is going to happen, I just need to do all I can to work until it comes. Or maybe, I'm just waiting for that big thing to come. Either way. I pray all of you are well and that you're doing the best you can in these hard times. I love you all, take care of yourselves and do what you have to do to survive and live. oxoxo, mErci