I've been thinking about why I havn't had a decent relationship in a very long time and why I havn't been able to stay faithful to a lot of my boyfriends. It's because I feel empathy for every poor creature that doesn't have a girlfriend. I like helping and healing and fixing things that are broken to the point were, sometimes, I'm taken advantage of. But in the end, that's OK because I'm still being needed. I'm still wanted in some adverse way or another. I just want to kiss every guy that wants to be kissed and hug every person that has no one to hug. I want to talk for hours to people that have no one to listen to them and feel a connection with someone that needs me. I havn't felt this way in a long time, but it always happens that everytime I'm with someone, someone else needs me. *sigh* And I want to help them, but I can't without ruining what I have. And I have a lot to ruin. I wanted it gone, but now, I realize I NEED it in the worst way. But do I need it more than the unfortunate need my help? *sigh* I don't know.
I am truley the Moral Disease that walks about this earth. I'll say it over and over again. I am the Moral Disease. But I make people happy for a brief, shining second before they realize what I am.
I want to make people happy. I know I can. But I don't know how to stop when I'm in too deep. And I don't know when I'm taken advantage of. And I hate the feeling of loosing control. I need to be in control of this, but in reality, the feeling of being needed is controling me. Nothing else.
I love my boyfriend, but does he really need me? Of course he does. But will he ever let me go? No. Nothing will ever let him let me go. Not to sound ungreatful; he's been with me throughout all of my medical fiascos, my psychotic breaks, my family dysfunctions and my doctor's visits. He's put up with me when I havn't been myself and when I've been myself in all my glory. But I can't ignore the pain that I've lived with for this time as well. I've done horrible, unspeakable things to myself to see him happy. Things that I promised myself that I would never do. And he knew this, too, but he made me compromise myself to please him. The only thing that's going to keep us apart is death itself. And it's comming oh-so more clearer to me that that might be the only way to escape this man...
But I can't leave those who need me. This is no time to be selfish. I need those who need me. Even if they're using me. At least they're using me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
ShOoT MySeLf tO LoVe You, iF I LoVeD mYsELf I'D bE sHoOtiNg yOu