October.

It feels like October.

I think I'm catching a cold. Feeling sick. And familiar.

Like last year.

Last year in October, everything fell apart.

Because of him. (You know who I'm talking about)

I just couldn't please him the way he wanted to be.

There's only so much someone can pour out before they've tried too hard.

I wish I never felt anything for him.

I wish I stayed away from him.

I wish whatever I thought was beautiful in him at the time was something to be feared.

He won't leave me...

...he won't leave me...

In November I almost killed myself.

Not too many people know this. I was going to slit my wrists in the bathtub.

I was going to do it because of him.

Because I couldn't live with or without him.

I was going to get back with him around that time.

Even less people know about that.

He actually told me "No."

Do you know how that made me feel?

After all the times he begged me? Pleaded with me? Cried to me? Actually got down on his knees?...

I felt empty.

A doll. Nothing inside. He took my heart and fractured it.

No will to live.

But I was still alive.

Back to the bathtub...

December ...around that time, my brother broke my ROM drives on my computer.

I got a loaner one while they repaired my computer.

I got an add in my myspace around that time.

---It was from someone called MIKE N.

I thought he looked a bit like Dave Navarro in his default pic at the time.

I added him.

We talked on yahoo messenger. He played his guitar for me. He talked to me.

I gave him my number.

The first time he called me, he told me he was close to my house.

I gave him really aweful directions to my house because I didn't know what area he was comming from.

It took him 15 minutes to find me.

But he found me. He didn't give up.

He looked cuter in person than he did in his photos.

He warmed my hands as we sat in the doorway of his van and talked about Laughlin and Bullhead and who we were.

He talked about his ex a lot.

We made a date to go to the movies. "Munich".

He bought me flowers on our first date. (I still have them, dried out)

I wore my bright red fur-trimmed sweater and we ate popcorn and drank Sprite.

He wanted to hold me in the theatre.

He drove me home. He was a perfect gentleman.

He kissed me that night for the first time.

And I felt the peices starting to come back together.

And I felt the will to live beat stronger in my chest.

Because he made my heart beat so fast.

Because he made me warm that night.

Because he made me feel what he could never give
...(not without that certain 'something' in return)

Mike made me feel what first true love was.
I was afraid of it and almost threw it away.
Again, for him.
I learned my lesson. There is no love there.
Mike is my love. Mike has my love. Forever.
I'll be damned if he takes that away from me.

so leave and never come back. if you do, i'll have my back turned to you.
i'll pluck out my eyes so I can be blind from you. l'll cut off my arms so you can't touch me. I'll sew my lips shut to keep you from kissing me. i'll be bitter so you won't want to taste me. and i'll be deaf when you tell me you love me.

I'll be that empty doll you made me.

But only for you.
...the life inside of me belongs to the one who gave it back to me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MiKe iS ThE NaMe WrItTeN oN mY HeArt