DISCLAIMER
LIVEJOURNAL
2005-01-04 - 12:32 a.m.
New horrible poetry. Read it and wiggle.
I�ve come to realize that I�m somewhat of a role model. I came to realize this a few Wednesdays ago (when I thought I was going to be asked to leave Life Teen) and I told Mela (Pam) about me leaving. She looked at me, and said without thinking, �But-but you made me.� Huh. �You made me� That�s a lot of responsibility on one person. To think, I (of all people) am an example to someone else. I�m just a regular person. I�m a sinner, I�m flawed, I�m human. But at the same time, I�m glad that, in some way, God used me as an instrument to bring someone else closer to the faith. It�s a bit overwhelming for me to know that, though. It does make me happy, though. It makes me want to pursue a life with the church and with God, of course.
Still, it scares me, though, that people look up to me. Because I�m human, with human faults and flaws. I remember how I felt when I found out that the gal that first brought me to the church was pregnant out of wed-lock. It was like, �*SQUISH*, Oh, I�m sorry, is this your heart?� It shocked me and I wasn�t OK with this for a few days. But that experience just made me realize that she�s human. And so am I. I can learn from other people�s mistakes and right choices. So for me to be a good role model to someone else, I have to learn from other people to be a good example and continue leading people the right way. :)
I talked at length to Tonzy about this and he said, �Whatever bad things happened in your past life, and in the life you have now, it doesn�t add up to jack shit when you put together all the good you�ve done in your life. You�re a good person.� I have trouble accepting compliments, so I just looked down, smiled and said, �Thank you, Tonzy.� I love that guy. He also told me that I said something to him a few weeks ago that he will take to the grave: �You may not believe in God, but you do His work.� And it�s true; Tonzy does a lot for his fellow man that he keeps within himself, but he does share some with me. I guess we�re both kind of role models for some people. It�s scary, it�s a lot of responsibility, but it�s also a great joy within oneself when you realize that you have done good. I have to be a better role model to others and myself and commit to the things that I made commitments to and drop the things that arn't leading me closer to the prize. I have to "prune the tree", so to speak, to gain better fruit and share myself with others.
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid
