This has been a really good week for realizations. I'll name a few:
1. My dad is cool because:
-he can recognize any oldie on the radio in about one note into the song
-he's funny and I get my sense of humour from him
-he takes care of me even though he didn't have to
-he takes the time to try to understand me
-I can talk to him about God without feeling like a freak
-he gives me what I need and, if I deserve it, what I want

2. Adrian is a terrific friend and always will be, no matter what.
-Adrian called me today on my phone. He was a little bit confused about who I was at first, but then he remembered me. It sucks that his memory isn't what it used to be, but it's so great to know that he could remember me a little bit. I love him so much and he is such a great friend to me.

3. I am an utter and total perfectionist/OCD case.
-If I can't do it my way, the "right" way, I won't do it at all. It's all or nothing. I either immerse myself in what I'm doing or drop it completely. This is why I can never keep my room clean (because I'm not disinfecting everything) or why I can't wash my clothes until it piles up and I have nothing to wear (because all the colors/fabrics/materials absolutely have to be each in their own full load of wash).

4. I'll always be sick.
-No matter what, I'll always have some sort of weird sickness wrong with me. Whether it's psychological fears or physical ailments, there'll always be there.

5. I either make people happy or destroy them.
-I give people optimism and hope and I do it out of love and admiration. The people I hurt is because I do not know how to be happy. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. No happiness for me because there'll always be something to make it go away. And I'd rather feel nothing than a glimmer of something because once I feel that something I'll be forever chasing it and it will never be the same.

6. I'm scared of people leaving me.
-Only specific people, though. Most of them have already left me and I'm scared more will leave me, but I can't do anything about it. Why? See number 5 around the middle sentance. I guess I like collecting people like I like collecting things that I've never seen before; I'm afraid that if I don't keep it close to me, I'll never see it again and I'll always wonder how my life would be if I did keep it close. I need special people in my life as much as I need water.

7. I'm a moral disease.
-I am the bad thing that comes in people's lives and makes them realize that they're doing something wrong and makes them change into better people. Even at the cost of my soal or fidelity, I make them realize this and it's better for them. Trust me on this one.

These are the few I can think of right now. I feel really aweful right now. I feel sick to my stomach. *sigh* I live for the first five seconds I'm awake in the morning...amnesia...but only temporary...
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I hurt so bad inside, I wish I could see the world through my eyes. Each day is the same, I just want to laugh again