Saul Update: he was offered two deals that involved either jail or prison time but he turned them both down. The lawyer says things are looking good and hopefully everything will turn out fine. I really hope so. I feel a lot more relieved hearing that but I'm also still praying very hard and have to keep in mind things may not be as they seem. I pray they are though. I pray we're together again soon.

I wanted to go to Torrid for their $10 before 10AM sale this morning but dad said it would be better to take my car to the mechanic in the morning. I got up at 9:30 just to sleep in a little bit. After making me and dad breakfast and getting ready to go, dad was still watching TV and we left late. I could have done both after all but I'm going tomorrow morning.

We went to the post office first, my tattoo artist sent me a post card that was pretty neat! I got a really decorated letter from Saul which I was excited to read but it said in the back "Open on Dec 25" so I was like awe! but argh! I wanted to read it! he he. The mechanic said that I really REALLY needed brakes and that he was scared driving my car! He said if my dad does that on his own, they will put my car on a lift and check the other parts but the main concern was the brakes. We got the brakes after that, dad will do them this weekend if he's not too tired or hurt still.

Coming home, Jer was home and I could tell something bad was going to come from this. He's been very mean and hurtful to me especially lately, for what reason, I have no idea, but he has. He knows how to hurt me so badly. When my mom came home, he flew in a rage because we couldn't all eat out and told my mom to return everyone's Christmas gifts to get money to eat. (WTF?!) He then started yelling at me and said some really awful things. I locked myself in my room for a while. He's a main aggressor in my depression. At times, it's very bad, the thoughts are there to do something, but I think of the ones who care about me and the one waiting for me and I make it go away. When I move out, my brother will NOT know where I go. I will not ever do anything for him anymore. Nothing. He doesn't need me and wishes I was dead so much, treat me like I was dead then because I don't need this.

After mom made him dinner, she took me out to look for a record player needle for my dad's Christmas gift. Then we went to Norm's, OMG, we ate so good!!!! I talked to her about possibly going to school to be a nurse or a medical biller but first I need to have the consultation about my surgery for my hands.

We're both doing exceptionally well with our depression considering this is the worst season for it. Despite the current situations surrounding me, this has been the best Christmas season in many years for me. I was thinking about the whole situation I had 2 years ago and although I'm over it and we're okay with one another now, that hurt doesn't go away and it's painful to think about it still. But I got through what I didn't think I could so it makes me stronger for who really loves me.

After I came home, I left Mike a message and he called me back later and we talked about things, we're still alright and moving on with our lives. Kevin called me, I'm worried about him being so tired still. I hope it's the illness still in him and that he'll be alright. Dwayne invited me to a Big Lebowski themed party this Saturday. I have NO idea how to dress for this party, any ideas anyone?

Tomorrow: I shop, cook, take my dad to the docs, go with my family to my aunt's for dinner, give out pressies and go to midnight mass.

Christmas day: Go to morning mass, go to my Nana's, bum around the house?

New Year's Eve/Day: no plans though I'd like to go out

Jan 2-4: ANIME LA!!! w00t! Nerdland invasion!

These entries have been long lately. Thank you, whoever made it the whole way through. :)

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you know...if we turn him into the police as a tagger, we could get reward money...