I've been having crazy dreams again. These are in no particular order.

In my dream, my house had a HUGE multi-tiered backyard, like the fancy houses on the hill do. The house had 3 rectangle shaped pools, two on the right side situated longways with one on top of the other, the other to the right of the others was situated short ways. They were all dirty except for the one closest to my door, that one was the cleanest of the three. The one to the right was the dirtiest. For some reason, MPsy was swimming in the dirty pool, he was doing laps. I asked him why he was swimming in the dirty pool but he didn't have an answer.

In another, I saw my cousin Jennifer, she looked like a picture, then she moved out of it. I saw my grandma walking with my grandpa. He looked thin, as he always does in my dream, and his clothes were really baggy and he was walking funny but he was smiling. This time instead of his mustache being black, it was gray. I hugged him so hard and I was sobbing so hard, telling him how much I loved him. I could feel him when I hugged him, it was so real. When I woke up and remembered the dream, I couldn't help but feel tears welling up in my eyes, I miss him so so much. It's going on 8 months since he passed away.

Another, I was in a school. I'm not sure if I was a student or a teacher or just visiting. I was meeting with a really sweet guy, he looked like the actor Omar Benson Miller. When I met up with him, I gave him a kiss and he touched my cheek as I did. He put his arm around me and mine around him, I felt happy, comfortable and safe, like everything was fine and the way it was supposed to be.

The last one I remember having was that I was seeing myself getting ready to climb into a hotel bed, twice. Then I was getting ready to sleep on the floor of Tako's old apartment in Victorville. He was there with me and we were laying down. I saw his sister, Tasha, coming from behind the couch, we were talking for a while. It was really good to see her, I haven't seen her in a few years.

In the first dream, I believe it was influenced by Amy when she told me about her encounter with a ghost on the pool deck of the Queen Mary. MPsy's been everywhere with me lately, haha. My pool is dirty and I've been wanting to swim lately.

The second, I haven't seen my cousins in a long while. It's my mom's birthday today and I was thinking about how weird it is that grandpa's not here to give her a gift or be with us during her dinner. I miss him so so very much, and I guess in the dream I got to say that. I'm tearing up again thinking about it. My mom also had a dream about my grandpa (her father) last night. I know he's trying to let us know he's still thinking about us.

The third, I'm not sure where that came from, but I've always felt comfortable around tall, bigger men, like they will protect me and make me feel like I'm like a doll, like I'm to be cherished and cared for. I love that feeling and I guess I haven't felt that way in a long time, especially with Saul's cases being the way they are right now and him being away for so long. He makes me feel safe and that he'll take care of me but it's hard to say when he'll come home.

The last was because I've not talked to Tasha a lot since she moved with her family to New Mexico and I always liked her, she's cool! I haven't visited Tako in a while. I've been feeling really whistful of the time I used to spend in Victorville cos it was such an awesome time in my life where I felt really happy and carefree, I had money to spend freely and I had a great guy to go up and visit and explore that area with. Things are different now and I'm happy with things right now and will be happier when everything settles into their place better. But I'll never forget who I was at that time and how crazy/happy/wrenching/emotional/trippy those months were.

One day, I won't have to fake smiles or feign interest. I won't have to say it's okay and everything will turn out alright with suspicion it may not. I won't have to feel so uncertain or out of control. I won't have this guilt inside of me or unforgiveness and grudges in my heart. One day I'll have what I've been working for and maybe then I can relax and show what I really am cos then I will really be happy instead of saying it over and over again that I am. One day, I won't need pills anymore to make me calm or level-headed or feel ill all the time. One day, I can wake up and not have to worry about if I'll need to go to the doctor again or find out something else is wrong with me. One day I won't have to wait by the phone for Saul to call for 15 minutes at a time or drive 3 hours to see him for only 6. One day, he'll be by my side and I will feel safe again. One day, all of this may be behind me. One day, one day.

One day, maybe, I won't be so sick anymore.