(I swear someday soon I will post the missing blogs)

I'm getting my medication re-evaluated because it's become painfully clear in one year's time that my current regimen is not apt. This is NOT from lack of trying on my part, either. I know and understand there is no combination of pills to magically cure my bipolar depression or make the flashbacks from my post traumatic stress disorder go away but I also know I cannot do this on my own at the moment. Everything started spiraling downhill for me a year ago when my grandfather passed away suddenly and I needed help coping. Not to mention my limitations with my physical illnesses add to my depression. (It's hard accepting that I just can't do what I used to or do what other people can without paying for it dearly later.) That's when they diagnosed me as bipolar and being off medication with this condition is very dangerous for myself and those I interact with.

I didn't want to go back on the medication, I've been on medication for my mental illnesses off and on since I was 14. I thought I was fine without them but didn't realize how many very stupid things I was doing in the midst of a mania or how I was developing a very horrid self medication habit using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Giving up a lot of my vices was hard but I knew I needed to drop them lest they take me down. Pills over alcohol is hard. I miss drinking. Especially when I still have my manic episodes and depression or think about cutting myself obsessively and am so buried in my own head I can't concentrate, it seems pointless to be on the pills at all. I'm immature at times but not so immature that I do something as stupid as drink while on my pills or give up the pills in order to drink.

I've been waiting 2 months for this appointment. I'm hoping to start seeing my therapist again as well. My last one wasn't very helpful. Only kept suggesting groups to go to instead of talking out my problems with him. I don't want a group, I've done groups. I had nothing but groups to go to from the 5 times I was in the mental hospital. I need one-on-one help from someone that understands that I do have a certified condition that I can't just "get over" like it's the flu or that I'm imagining things. Someone who understands that much at least is very helpful. Saul is very helpful as he can relate to my manias but he is fighting his own battle and I there is a certain point where I can't share myself while I'm sick because it will upset him. I'm also very upset with myself that I hadn't done enough to get completely better while he was away but then again there is no such things as Happily Ever After, only good days and bad days.

I'm so tired of having bad days.

I'm so ready to make more good days.