I'm in the closet, not that I should be yet but I wanted to clear some room so I can put some stuff in the shelves. I found this old box that had a few interesting things in it:

-a box full of pens, all colours and brands, and an ink pad. Mom said they're all from the bank
-reports, assignments, drawings and projects from as far back as KINDERGARTEN!
-pictures, mostly of band in high school and my first serious boyfriend in high school, Henry
-an drawing of a homicide with the body's proportions horrifically messed up
-an assignment titled "Movie" that I'd done in middle school dated February 23, 1999, complete with drawings.

This interested me because I always had the same plan for a very long time of what I was going to do after high school:

1. Full college scholarship
2. East LA College
3. University of Arizona
4. Part time job-Safeway Supermarkets
5. Go to NY in Volkswagen Jetta
6. Live in apartment next to Broadway
7. Become famous choreographer for Broadway
8. Write Sci-Fi novel
9. Shift to singing career
10. Shift to singing/acting career
11. Appear on Rosie O'Donald show, SNL, Jay Leno & Conan O'brien frequently
12. Win Grammy
13. Win Academy Award
14. Donate lots of money to kids (orphans)
15. Move to Bullhead, Arizona
16. Die at age 108
17. Have ashes sprinkled over Circle V Ranch Camp

I know at one point prior to this I wanted to be a nun after I was an established writer but someone told me that wasn't possible.

I'm so in awe at how idealistic I was and how many goals I had, no matter how unrealistic the time frame may have been or the steps I had skipped. I was very involved with dance at that age, very determined to write as well. And I'm laughing at my specific age of death! Oi. Who would have known then how my life would have turned out, how far from my goals I have gone but how they haven't really changed at all. I still want to write a novel, I still love to dance, and if I do donate to charities.

Dreams of college faded away because of my want to become an Evangelist, and I was very seriously considering life as a nun for a long time but ultimately was put aside though my want to help with the church never did die. I did leave the church for a year though after one youth leader pushed me out of college team. (Cos I wasn't reaching out to enough people. Even though I was volunteering nearly every weekend, weekday I could AND doing the Edge program, but whatever.)Anyhow, I stopped dancing after high school to focus on band, my dreams for New York faded along with Arizona because the reality of cost and such set it. I still do very much adore St. Vincent de Paul Circle V Ranch Camp to this day, last time I was there was in the year 2000 I do believe. It's absolutely beautiful up there, Santa Barbara mountains, the lake, the beach. Wonderful.

I also notice that I never had plans for a boyfriend, husband, or children here, something that has changed 180 degrees. I have found the man that I want to be a wife to and have children with. Who knew I would be in this situation? Who knew I'd never go to a traditional college when that was always in my plan? Who knew I wouldn't have my Jetta? (I was really into Volkswagons back in the day, too, odd but that is me) Who knew I would still be so depressed? I remember first feeling completely hopeless and suicidal in middle school. I was picked on a lot, I was teased, ridiculed, and talked about a lot. Middle school was 2 years of pure hell at that time for me. Though a lot of things flourished from that time as that's when I fell in love with music and loved the ability to play and read it, a lot of phobias and deep-seeded time bombs came with it. It's disappointing that I haven't gotten rid of a lot of my childhood tramas but it's also good that I conquered a lot of the ones I picked up since then.

Maybe one day I can look back on these posts and wonder why I felt this way and hopefully say that I put all these thoughts and feelings behind me. Hopefully, I may do that and smile.

I'm going to throw these things away now.