A lot of things have been happening, to everyone, especially this summer I see. It is indeed the cruelest summer of all. And due to things in my life, I've lost the long battle I've had from preventing the severe depression I've been struggling with since my childhood. I was doing very well for the past 6 years, no medication, little therapy, and only minor breaks in my stability, though they had been getting worse and longer as the years had gone by. Usually the depression came from an outside source that was easily identifiable and repetitive so I knew the steps to take and I knew what course of action to make to help myself.

Now is not the case. This is a whole new animal. Recently, things from my past, horrible things that I'd done and had been done to me, have been coming back vividly and without reason. (Flashbacks) Each time they come back, all I can think to do is yell and want to hurt myself or worse. All I want to do is cry all day, so instead I sleep. I cannot sleep during the night. Every little things gets me emotional instead of my usual self that understands and lets go. Some people I've tried to reach out to do not reach back or are dealing with difficulties of their own. This is why I've tried not to burden others with my problems because I have no right to and I do not want to be someone that's constantly someone to be put up with. I've found out that a lot of my "friends" are really not so, and I have no problem kicking them out of my heart and my life but it still takes me time to get over it. I should have listened before to people and never trusted anyone.

Also, I'm in mourning still. From my Grandfather. I miss him so much, and I still can't believe how fast he slipped away from us. I miss everything about him and it hurts that I won't see him again for a very long time. I've had family and friends pass away before, but this is the first time someone extremely close to me had passed away and it hurts so much, I've never had a grieving process before I suppose. I've been so busy immersing myself with changing my room, taking care of my grandmother and helping the family that it hadn't full-force it me. I'm happy to do all these things and more for my family though I don't know to what extent I can do this now and I would hate to let anyone down, to disappoint anyone right now. This month was also the one year mark since my miscarriage. Though I know there wasn't anything I could do and I know that my body just couldn't handle my little angel, and things would have been extremely messed up between me and the father, I still miss the life I had inside of me. I don't know if given all those things I should grieve. I heard it's normal but it's hard to know what "normal" is in uncharted mind frames. This is one of the many reasons I chose to live a celibate life until I marry; I cannot handle another loss of life and God forbid I do I want to know my husband will be there for me.

Speaking of which, it's been 9 months since they took Saul away with another 11 months to go, save that they don't press further charges at the last minute but everything's a possibility. I miss him a lot and I'd been so confused about him being with me, whether it was right or not because I'm having such a difficult time that I'm not a good girlfriend and I may have needed time to myself to figure things out. But my mother, in her wisdom, set my path straight, telling me that though what I'm going through hurts him, it will hurt him more if I left him. I know deep down inside he accepts me and loves me no matter what but he'd never seen this side of me and almost every time I've shown someone this side, I've been ridiculed and brushed off. And he's going through his own set of trials and tribulations, I have no right to burden him with mine especially since he's prone to over thinking things, I don't want to make him worry when there's nothing he can do. I love him and I will wait for him to come back to me till the bitter end and nothing will change that, but I'm so scared of time changing us.

In lieu of all this, especially this past week, I decided that it would be best for me to consult my local mental health medical professional where she prescribed me some mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and sleeping pills. I'd gone 6 long years without any pills to be put on some heavy ones. I haven't started them yet because I want to start on a new week. I don't know what these pills are going to do to me, or how they'll make me feel and think, how they may change me. I'm not sure what they will do and that scares me but on my own, I'm more afraid of what could happen. And part of me feels shame for needing these pills, for not being stronger on my own and for not being able to be one of those people who can toss the pills. But at the same time, there's no denying myself all the progress I've made without them and the fact that I've tried to avoid this as much as I can and I know I tried really fucking hard to fix myself and I couldn't. I just couldn't. Too much piled up in a short period of time and maybe I've always needed the pills and I was only fooling myself when I thought I didn't. Either way, I had a semi-successful run trying to cope with this and now I'm in a corner that I cannot get out of on my own.

For those who don't know, I'm against these pills because they change your body chemistry to the point where you're limited on the things you take for granted like what you eat, drink or take over the counter. The side effects are frightening and the risks are sometimes horrifying. Though I am against these pills, I will try to take them because these risks are a bit low priority compared to what I fear I can do without them. And I in no way, shape, or form look down upon or dismiss anyone who may need medication to help themselves in their daily life at all. My mother cannot function without her medication and I love her just the same as I love my non medicated father. I am a firm believer that if you need it to help you, take it. (I still will never condone self-destructive choices of drugs, though)

I hope to still do all the things I could before, maybe even better than before. I pray to God on a consistent basis that I don't know what I'm doing and to guide me. I've been far away in my head and in my sin so I haven't been listening as well as I should but I know once I've centered myself in my faith again I will live a better life. I so very much want to help out in the church again but not like this, I'm no good like this. Time will tell when I can be able to help others again.

To anyone who may be reading this and think I'm weak, well, I am but it took a lot to get me this way.
I thank all my friends who've continued to be here and there for me, it means the world to me that you are. Hopefully I get better soon and I'm my own self again, and I'm my better self at that. I still don't want to be on pills forever and I know I can do it again but I seriously need help now in the worst way. So please have faith in me and if you may, pray for me because I need them. I'm sorry about all this and I hope to become something stronger than I am and have been in the future.

xoxo, Mercades