I had to wait 11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours to see my Sauli in person again without glass to see through or a phone to talk through...

My parents and I made our way to Avenal, CA at 6 in the morning. There's something wonderfully secretive and exciting about leaving so early in the morning that the world is still dark. My dad drove as my mom and I slept most of the way. I'd never been to the prison up there before and since Saul's mom couldn't come this week with me I figured this would be a good way to scout the area for when we come together. I prayed constantly throughout the day for God to protect our journey, thanking Him for making this journey possible and thanking Him for Saul in my life and for letting me change into a better woman for Him, for Saul, for myself. With God, everything is possible. Everything.

We got lost, naturally, and because both Google Maps and my GPS did not recognize were the address to the prison was. After getting directions we were on the right course and the trip took us about 3 and a half hours, in very thick morning fog to add to the drama. I felt so anxious and excited, I was so happy and couldn't believe this day had come! Everyone with an appointment lined up outside and waited for our names to be called so we could fill out a slip and be searched. The lady calling out the names also checked over our attire to make sure we were dressed appropriately, the guidelines are strict there. I went with the safe all-black attire and a sports bra cos I couldn't wear any metal anyway, not even the clasps. Mom said I looked pretty...and flat-chested. -_- They waited until I got in the building, then left to kill some time in the surrounding area. By the way, there is NOTHING to do in Avenal. NOTHING.

After I got checked in, searched, and passed through a metal detector, we all waited in a big room for the vans to drop us off at the right yard to visit. I was in the van for the first two yards, but I accidentally went to the wrong building at first! I found my way to the right place and sat down to wait. A million things went through my head cos just two days before he sent me a letter that was quite sad as he was very disconnected and depressed. I was afraid that I may lose him to his despair.

We waited for a very long time, the women who came after me, at little tables with numbers on them. It was the longest 10 minutes in recent memory. Then I saw him, walking around for the first time in almost a year; no glass, no phones...he's very handsome. <3 And we hugged, and shared our first kiss in 11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, and 2 hours. We were both very much in awe and happy about this moment, being able to sit next to one another and hold each others hands and talk about anything. He was not expecting me at all and had little time to shave, I had a few pieces of beard on my lip! haha!

I told him how I'd come back with his mom when she got paid, and he said that it was great that I still came. We talked about music and video games, dreams and stress, family things, then to how disconnected he'd been feeling, each others health, our hopes for the future. He looked in my eyes as we talked about the possibility of getting married in prison, God forbid something goes awry of his release date. I already made the decision as long as it's a Catholic ceremony I would, and he agreed. He even told me there are Catholic priests available for the ceremony at the prison and said we could have up to eight witnesses. That made me smile that he found that out for us! He also looked down at the ring I wear on my right ring finger and said, "You still wear this? I have to order my ring." The fact that he's actually talking to me about the future, what he'll be responsible for when he gets out and what he'll be entitled to, researching everything he can about his future and what he can do to help himself along the way so we will might have a stable one makes me know he's not just having idealizations about us, he's actually planning for it.

We wanted to take pictures but the token machine to take them was broken so we couldn't buy any. Maybe next time. I kept holding his hands so tight, neither of us could believe that we were here next to one another! I told him I wasn't sure what to expect from him cos he'd been so disconnected recently, and he said he was afraid he'd feel that way as well, but he wasn't. He was just tired and sick from his job in the prison. It was getting later in the day so we bought some food to share while we were there. There are many vending machines there to buy food so we shared a cheeseburger (and I called him a cannibal cos my nickname for him is Cheeseburger hehe) and continued talking about food and what he wants to eat when he gets out! We kept jumping from subject to subject, about how the CDs I ordered for him keep him saner, how prison politics work, how we started talking so long ago...when I made a comment on a 69 Eyes video he posted on his Myspace...seems like so long ago. He said it sucked that we didn't get a lot of time to spend together before he left, but I reassured him we'd have the rest of our lives to be with each other. I was having a great time being able to speak with him, to laugh and just hold onto one another. We both reveled in the little contact we did have and in the fact that we didn't have 3 feet between us anymore. I missed being able to see him smile, hear his laugh, the way he looks at me...his eyes are very expressive and deep. His hair got longer, it's about the same length it was when I met him. There was so much I missed about him and I got to have a little glimpse of him back for a little while.

When it was nearing the time to go, we couldn't believe we got to spend a whole 4 hours with one another! We'd only been allowed 1 hour at the most at times, sometimes as little as 20 minutes. When we were almost ordered to part, I told him when I was reading his letter that I was so afraid that I would lose him and he would leave me because he could not come back from where he was in his mind. I had held it in together the whole time but I caught myself trying not to cry when I said this to him. He told me not to cry, and he promised me I have his undying allegiance and that he would never let me go and I would never lose him, that he'll always come back for me. He looks in my eyes when he says these things and I love that about him, his eyes are very warm and sincere when he says these things. After our final hug and parting kiss, we had to part, visitors on one side, prisoners on the other. While we were both leaving, we kept catching one another's glances and smiled and waved at one another. And then he was gone.

Another bus ride back to the building where the search was was made all the quicker by the officer driving us saying we had to leave quickly because there was a major code being called in, meaning something had gone down in the prison. We all left and when I got out my parents were waiting for me. We stopped at a Wendy's for a little while to eat and talk. I told my parents that the visit went really well, about our plans for the future. Dad asked what Saul planned on doing for a living after he got out of prison, I explained to him that he had a few different plans just in case one or the other didn't work out. Dad said, "So he's a smart guy?" I said, "Yes, of course." He said, "Good, I don't want you marrying a dummy." That made me feel good, my dad's blessings are hard to come by because he wants good things for me. Mom cringed at the idea of me getting married in a prison because she knows that's not what I want but knows what I'm willing to do in a pressed situation. She joked about how she and my dad got married in a court and how a prison marriage would outdo that!

After driving a bit and going to a scary pit stop to let dad wake up a bit and stretch out, we were on our way back home. My dad was a truck driver but since his injury hasn't made any trips past East L.A. so while he was determined to help me out and make this trip, he was struggling. I volunteered to drive, as did my mom, but he said hearing that was enough to wake him up! It was dark and star-filled sky when we left and the road was just frightfully rocky and curvy, made all the more frightening with reckless drivers and 2 lane highways! Eventually, the road straightened out and we were back in familiar woods.

For as long as Saul has been away, I have always felt like there was a huge slot missing in my life. Even with that slot, though, a lot of light shines through it and gives me hope for the future. Today, for a little while, that missing slot wasn't that noticeable. I had my Saul and he had me for a little while. He was mine since the first night we officially hung out to get to know each other, before I even knew it. I was his since the day I woke up on my 23rd birthday and I knew I didn't want anyone else to be there that morning but him because he wanted to be with me just as badly. Since October 28th, 2008, we knew we wanted to be together. Since October 31st, we've been apart. And even since before the day (but most so the day) he boldly proclaimed that I would be his wife someday, I knew he wouldn't ever let me go and would fight everything wrong to be with me and that he was the man for me to be with all my life and call my husband.

It took us 11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours to get from his last kiss to me to our first kiss this year. To think in such a short time we still go through hell and back with our own personal struggles and obstacles but we both have one another no matter what and that makes us want to fight so badly. This day was so special to me and I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful visit with the person I love so dearly.

11 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 2 hours, so much has happened, so little time for so much to happen, but enough time to make something so unbelievably amazing.