I'm pissed at Little brother like always, but that's not what's getting me down. I miss Adrian. I miss him so much. I hate that I didn't have time to say goodbye. I hate that I didn't do the right thing and given him his CD player that night. This has been eating me up inside for such a long time. All his friends got time to say hi and bye. They had times to hug him and to joke and laugh with him. The lock-in at church is comming up and last year is when I told him he was like a brother to me. I miss him so much.

I guess this is all surfacing because I had a strong conviction to talk to Luminous the other day but I can't get in touch with him for the reasons mentioned in other entries. Ugh.

Sometimes I honestly don't know where I belong. I'm struggling so much with my faith right now, trying to stay on the same path and trying to be good so that I can be with God. But it's so hard for me and I'm mad at myself for not being more Christlike. I hate that I'm struggling because there are people that have it much harder than I and I'm having trouble with where I am. I feel like crying because I'm so frustrated right now. I don't know where I belong right now and I'm having such a hard time getting adjusted. I don't know what to do right now. I'm hoping that I'll be alright and that this is just a phase.

I keep thinking about all the evil, crappy stuff I did years back and it still hurts, and I have a hard time comming to terms with it, and also comming to terms with the fact that God has forgiven and forgotten about it. When I've done so much wrong...

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