I�ve decided to take an inventory on my definitions of love and the surrounding words related to it. In the dictionary in my head, I�ve come up with the following definitions:

Love: Deep adoration and willingness to do anything for; a want to give time, affection and energy to

Like: A feeling of attraction to someone without knowing the person very well; the initial attraction before any words and/or opinions are expressed or if vague words and/or opinions are expressed

Crush: A feeling of likeness for someone after specific words and/or opinions are expressed and after some time is spent with the person; accepting the person overall and developing feelings of love for the person

Fling: A brief point of emotional and/or physical indulgence between two people that is not discussed extensively afterwards

Celebrity: A deep respect and idolization for a person for reasons belonging to spiritual and religious experiences; a mentor through the works of God and his teachings

Best Blood: Anyone who has deep respect and understanding for another person without crossing the line of friendship; a soul mate from another time in which you share similar likes, dislikes, and experiences with

My Beautiful: Someone unattainable but is seemingly perfect and ideal to another person. (This definition is used only when describing Mario but it could apply to some other people in my past, but this is mainly Mario�s definition)

Hook: An attraction to another person that has no real source and is unexplainable but is real

Glimmer: When the person on the receiving end of someone�s affection seems attainable; some form of hope for the person to receive love from the object of their desire even though the possibility of that is uncertain

(Remember, these are my definitions, not all of them are the conventional definitions that you find in a conventional dictionary)

The definitions are complete so now you can feast upon the revealed truths of the people I feel for:

I�m in love with Armando, Geraldo (referred to as Jared in past entries), Shadow Owl, and RRLR.

I like Bob, I�m not sure if it�s anything more than that, though�

Geraldo is my hook and has been for more than a year.

Mario is My Beautiful.

Enrique is my glimmer, and so is Geraldo. Luminous was my glimmer and he was attainable, but it should have never happened. Maggot was also a glimmer. Videl seemed to be a glimmer, too, and I entertained that idea for a while after Maggot told me that he was going to ask me to get with him, but I�ve pretty much shut the door on that theory seeing how it�s not been pursued by him and how the last time I saw him he was pretty aloof to it.

I used to love Tonzy but I now realize that he is more of a Best Blood because of our religious differences.

I used to have a crush on AC and Chris Ortega but I now realize that they are my celebrities and I love them for that.

I have a crush on Videl, Enrique, Gus, Torta and Charles.

Jaime C. is becoming a celebrity to me, even though I haven�t talked to him in a long while.

AC, Jaime (that plays in the guitar), Peter (Fish Stick), Chris Ortega, and Steve Martinez are my current celebrities.

I used to have flings off and on with Luminous, and the last one of those I had was with Sauce.

I�ve been thinking about doing this for a while, so now I�ve done it and I�m happy. I�ve got some piece of mind.

Other than that, I�ve been thinking about Mario a lot this past week, since Wednesday especially. I really feel like I�m falling in love with him but I feel like that�s not possible since I barely know him. I still feel it though so I know it�s real. I wanted to call him tonight but every time I try to pick up the phone to call him and get to know him, I look in the mirror or I think of who I am and it seems impossible. But I know that there are bigger things that aren�t skin deep that factor into the whole attraction. I always assume that the person on the other end of my affection is going to have a shallow point of view. I guess that�s my security for not pursuing things any farther than I do. But I think Mario is beautiful but many other people don�t see him how I see him. I think I can say I love him. I�m not sure yet. I have to talk to him more, I suppose.

People who know me know that the guys that I fall for aren�t usually the coolest or the dreamiest to the rest of the world. I like guys who have low self-esteem and a low opinion of themselves. I like guys who don�t like themselves because then I like to cater to them emotionally. I like building them up and making them see themselves how I see them. I don�t know why. I just do. I like the guys who nobody else likes. I love all guys and I do not have a prejudice against anyone once I meet them. I don�t know why I love like this, but I do. *sigh*�but I do know what I want right now. I have my path clear on who I want.

I want Mario because I want a pure love. I want him because of who he is and what he�s conveyed to me as him being himself. It�s safe to say I�m falling in love with him. I am.

I�m falling�

The most beautiful thing I could think of happening to me is if I met someone and we just fall for each other. We just immediately know that there is something about one another that is inescapable, that is desirable, that is there but we don�t know what but we know we want to find out. I thought this happened with Mario and me. (But I knew better than to think that he felt as strongly about me.) But it was my illusion I suppose. I thought that he liked me when he met me. I don�t know how he feels. I know at one point I asked for his number insinuating that there would be more to it then that and he objected because I dated his ex-girlfriend�s brother and all. But still�the most beautiful thing would be an immediate loss of words. Because when you�re at a loss for words, it�s either a great thing or a horrible thing.

It would be great in my situation.

Everytime I hear about someone who's not in love or who hasn't known real love, I want to go to them and show them what love is. I know what it is and I want to share it with everyone. I'm not talking about sex. Sex is something that can be (but really really shouldn't be) done without love. I'm talking about the whole experience, you know? Being with someone and sharing them with other (not in a kinky way) and just learning from that other person. I am a big fan of setting things straight. So when it comes to people who claim to have not been delt with justly in the battle field of love, I feel compelled to come to the rescue. I feel this is my destiny. This is what I was put on this earth for. To show people real love. And to find real love... I so desperately want to find real, pure, true love... http://www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258