First off, I had a dream that I was smoking out of a hookah, but I was smoking pot instead of tobacco!!! and I was very disappointed with myself. I'm never doing drugs, and that just really solidified my want to NOT do it!!!!

So Tuesday was the 1 month mark for me and Tak. How did we celebrate? We spent about 2 hours on the phone arguing with eachother and left me in tears. Why? Cuz I brought up some stuff that was bugging me, like how when he comes over we're not very proactive or doing anything. I wanna go out n do stuff and usually we just lie around and I don't really like that. His immidiate soluation to the problem was, "So do you wanna break up?" You know, such a big part of me did and didn't. Did because I don't feel like I'm going anywhere in this relationship. Didn't because I don't wanna bail out when things get rough in a relationship like I usually do, I actually wanna work things out even though I don't know how. Argh. Though I have been thinking to myself that I don't want this relationship anymore, I don't want to bail like I usually do. I thought it was an insensitive comment seeing how he waited and pleaded and begged me to be with him for so long and in a blink of an eye he would just as soon dismiss me. Huh. Anyway, we're still together, still working things out even though I don't know how. Mom said I had my out right there if I wanted it. Maybe I should have taken it, I dunno, we'll see.

Ohhhh, Victor from school called me and said that he's going to find a way for me to work at Universal through Kodak being a photographer!!! Carpool, convenient hours, all that other good stuff, anything that gets me in! Rene and Mr. Shealy where like, 'Why'd you pass up that job?!" and I was like damn, word travels quicker than a rumor at Walmart! :p LOL But I'm still persuing it, I'm really glad they're pursuing me for the job as well!!!!! :D I'm glad they see something in me!!!

Oh, and this today...I was comming out of the back for lunch, and I saw James, looking all hot n stuff, and he gave me a warm hug <3. He told me, "I was here earlier, where were you? I was looking for you..." and I was like, AAHHHHHH!!! :p He asked me if I was going home for lunch and I said yes, and he said, "Oh...ok..." all sad n stuff. I guess that was a hint that he wanted me to stick around but I had to go home cuz I left my medication there and I gotta take it. (antibiotics for my sinus infection crap; hopefully it'll knock it out once and for fucking all!!!) I just felt a thousand thoughts race through my head, second guessing whether I should go out the door or go back and talk to James, but the 'do the right thing' side of me was telling me to leave because I do have a boyfriend and all who really loved me a whole lot and I have to respect that. Oh, but isn't it horrible that while I was unlocking my car, all I could think about was running back in there and spending time with James???? Oh, this is horrible!!!! I never told him I liked him, and he's never told me. Maybe because we come off as ambigous about it when we talk, but goodness, I really do like him, I have for quite some time, and I've made this no secret (except for to him) and Tak knows that I like James, too, and Tak even told me to pursue James if I wanted to but instead I pursued Tak because I was still getting to know James, still not sure if he felt anything like that for me, and I didn't want to scare him away or make him feel akward. BLAH!!!! >.< Even if I was still single, I don't know if I would try to tell him or go out with him again, but I know there'd be a bigger chance of it happening. Still, I don't know him well enough to even beging to try to know that's what I want, so that's that.

It tears me up inside how much I feel for this guy, but at the same time, I made my decision and so far, it's not really taken me anywhere except for a lot of second guessing unfortunetly. Don't get me wrong; I'm not unhappy, I'm content. Not happy, just content; just barely satisfied. And all the while, Tak always tells me how much he loves me and how when he's with me it's the happiest he is and he loves spending time with me. And I'm not there, maybe because I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt or I just really don't feel as much as Tak does. Either way, it's frustrating and all I can do is wait to see how things will be and if they're still the same, I'm going to have to make a decision. (And this will have nothing to do with James, it has all to do with Tak and me)

I know I'll miss Tak and wonder if breaking up was wise if I had done it when he asked me if I wanted to, if it could have worked out in the end, so that's another reason why I'm trying to work things out. There's still the distance, I've been so lonely this past month and I'm used to having a boyfriend that's here when I wanna talk to him or see him and I don't have either option with him being how we live so far and he has a prepaid so he doesn't always have minutes. ANd he's out of town a lot so AIM is out of the question. blah. I don't know if things are going to get better, but I know that even if they don't, I'll be alright because it's not going to be the end of the world, it's not going to be a catastrophy, it's going to be the end of that chapter and the rest of my life goes on. Good times. It'll hurt a bit but life goes on.

Meow. Time to shove off.

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my tounge tastes like blood...