This week's been a blur of Puente street, Walmart, the labyrinths of Baldwin Park streets, cigarette cravings, cigarette smoking sans filter that makes my head swim, energy drinks, sleeping in beds with cats, being happy in the morning with someone beautiful to feeling horrible this morning with something left over, feeling a false sense of mutual emotion, feeling wasted and not good enough, overly emotional, crying my eyes out, seeing Iron Man (VERY good movie, btw, loved it!), driving in my car with my male co-pilots, visiting far-away places in my kitty car alone and with friends, Kevin/Tak/Vidal's faces, mall after mall, searching through every CD/DVD section, death, the new Portishead CD tracks played on youtube to pacify my want for the actual CD, spun.com, waiting for people to come, waiting for people to go, dirty looks, Spanglish, being aggravated, being pissed, being annoyed, inhalers, clothes in a bag, my hair becoming this big dried out spongy wavy black and burgundy mop, stalking/texting/messaging Matt, Matt texting/messaging me, being forgetful, having unwanted people texting and call me still, wondering why, spending money, saving money, making lists, checking things off the list, wanting to drink, wanting to kill parts of me that I hate, actually being comfortable saying the word "hate" loosely and actually meaning it when I say it, realizing something horrible is happening in me to make me stronger, being pressured but not caving in, being okay with speaking my mind and knowing I'm justified in saying what I have to, rethinking things before I speak them to make sure they're not irrational, feeling more angry and more desire than I ever before, realizing that I got over it very quickly because I've been there before, wanting someone to want me how I love them but wanting my freedom as well, being woken up from a deep sleep, looking forward to being busy the last part of this month, totally unsure of the next month completely, selling things, wanting to scream, wanting to die, wanting to leave this place, wishing I had someone genuine, having someone genuine in their own way, pills, the term "put something on", playing the lottery, mouthing off to customers, almost mouthing off to one manager, crying at work, hiding the fact that I'm crying at work, being bored out of my mind and wating to kill myself at work just so I'd have something time-consuming to do, wanting to sleep next to him, ordering/getting/waiting for glasses, playing games on my phone, eating sushi, loving everything and hating evenly, waiting for the mail, and watching movies.

No wonder I've been so drained.

till we part
or until you push me away,
xoxo, mErci