I went to Mela's party. Pretty fun. I met a guy called Miguel. He was nice. I talked to Adrian. I love him so much. I went home, I tried to call Vidal all day. He wasn't at home. I did my flashcards. Had a few more to do but I watched Kill Bill vol. 2. I was going to sleep, but I decided to keep doing my flashcards. Good thing, too, because Vidal stopped by. It was 12 midnight. He walked from his house to where Mela's party was (and that is an extreamly long way to walk) back to the next town over back to my house. I love him so much. He was willing to walk all that way (and in steel toe boots) just to see me. I love him so much, it brings tears to my eyes. We hung out for a while, the Little Brother fucked it up by making a big deal about him being there. Dad was in the next fucking room. Little Bro acts differently when people he likes are around; he acts stupid. So dad knew something was up. After I thought dad went to sleep, I went outside and hung out with Vidal. Stupid ass Little Bro came outside and dad caught me talking to Vidal. Dad just looked at me like "You fucking whore" I was going to give Vidal a ride home, too, cuz he walked so far...shit Dad gave me the whole "This is my house" blah blah blah bullshit. Dad doesn't fully understand what's between me and Vidal, and he won't ever. I love Vidal so much because he's seen me for all I am, and he loves me. He's the one perfect guy that I've been looking for. He's perfect. It pisses me off that dad doesn't understand, but then again, I don't explain it to him, so how could I expect him to understand, right? *sigh* I feel really bad about not giving Vidal a ride home. I'm stressing this whole class thing. I'm stressing about my CAT scan tomorrow. I'm stressing that I won't make it to College team this year. If I don't make it to college team, I'll feel like I'm back to being a nobody, just another face at church. I feel like I make a difference when I'm in college team. I feel like I'm helping. If I'm not on college team this year, I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so out of control right now. I'm mad at Little Brother, he's such an asshole. He ALWAYS manages to kill something for me. He's apathetic and greedy and irrisponsible. He kills me one way or another every day. I mean that, every day. I'm mad at Dad for acting the part of a parent. He's not even my real dad. I know this sounds stupid, but I'm even mad at my mom for not being able to understand things. I can't talk to her about things because of her condition. And I'm tired of everyone's dramatic bullshit and gossip. I 'gossip', but usually when I do that it's to set the story straight. I'm tired of these fucking people going around and killing eachother with their words. I hate it that everyone feels compelled to hurt eachother instead of talk to eachother. And I find it fucking unfair that when a good person does one (1) bad thing in their whole life that it's the end of the fucking world for everyone else. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. PEOPLE FALL. PEOPLE ARE HUMAN. If we didn't make mistakes, we'd have nothing to learn from. IT'S FUCKING NORMAL. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT NORMAL IS??? I don't have anybody that understands me except for Vidal and Tonzy, and I'll be damned if I talk to Tonzy about this. I don't know why, but I feel like he's becomming less like himself, he's becomming so fucking dramatic and I hate that. I hate this. Where do the helpers go when they need help? I need help. I'm so lost right now. I need help...I'm scared of what I might do to myself...I'm truly scared and I havn't been this scared before in my life...please God, help me...I can't do this anymore... *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* best fucking song ever...