First of all...

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xoxo,
Mercades

Now that that's out of my system...

I can finally cry. I couldn't cry that much, but now I can cry. I can't eat though. When I start to eat, I get nauseated and put down whatever I was eating. Yesterday I ate half a sandwich, two cookies, a banana, and a LOT of milk. Milk seems a good supplement for food right now because it has vitamins and fat in it. This morning I had two peices of plain toast (rather, 1 and a half, I felt gross trying to eat the second one) and a glass of milk. I'm not hungry right now, though I should be. I'm also drinking a lot of milk.

I miss Ash. The last he said to me was, "We'll hang out next time. Bye, Merch! Ishq!" Dunno how or when we started this, but he always called me Merch, and I called his mAsh. And Ishq was our word for "I Love You" He told me we'd hang out again. But we can't. Someone told me that no matter what, someone will always find a way to come back to tell you they love you. I'm so confused by everything right now, I don't know if I'll recognize it when he will do that. I feel like I was going along, walking in the street, and all of a sudden, someone pushed me and instead of landing on the pavement, I fell into an ocean with no land in site. I'm incredibly confused by everything right now.

Now something weird/cool/dumb/huh?...

I felt so horrible and out of it yesterday. Last night, someone called me. It was Vidal. I freaked because I thought it was Ash. Ash's phone number is 555-0250 and Vidal's number is 555-0252, VERY simular and at a glace on the caller ID, it looks the same. I answered it and it wasn't Ash, I freaked out more. I was all spacy and I started explaining myself to Vidal, why I was all weird and depressed and acting strangly. It didn't occure to me WHY he called or anything, but he was actually decent and let me explain myself and cry and be all over the place. He didn't really talk, but he tried to calm me down and explain to me that it was better that I wasn't in the car because he said he wouldn't have know what he was done. To quote him, "You have the biggest piece of my heart, more than half" and I told him, "Oh, so if I die, you die, too?" He immidiately responded, "Yes" It was nice to talk to someone, ANYONE about this. Even if it was Vidal, even though he purposely tried to hurt me the other day, he was a good friend for at least a few hours. :) My faith in human kind is recharged.

Oh, the reason he called? He wanted to tell me that the girl on his lap wasn't his girlfriend, that he doesn't have feelings for her, he only loves me, he still wants me, he wouldn't get with her if she asked, yeah yeah yeah. Whut-EvR! This boy confuses me, but this BOY is confused himself. One of these days, he'll know what he wants and know he DOESN'T want me!!!! :p He was such a good friend to me before we had all this boyfriend/girlfriend drama. I wonder...could that happen again? I guess anything's possible. I'm not going out of my way to see if it is though.

He also reminded me of a promise I made to him a long time ago: if I wasn't with anyone on Valentine's day, I'd go out with him. I'm actually looking forward to that!!! I guess because I owe him one because our last Valentine's day was completely and utterly FUCKED UP and I feel like I owe him. *sigh* grrr.

Now for the usual...

Dad is acting weird around me. I guess he doesn't know how to act around me right now. Mom is being way supportive as she always is. I love her so.

Tonight I'm going to give out arsenic candy and poisoned cookies to unsuspecting schoolchildren as I'm dresses as something out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show so that I can ensure a disturbing and tramatizing Halloween for the kiddies in my neighborhood. Make yours a tramatic one, too!!! :D

And keep your kitties inside. You don't want them mutilated or anything like that.

...damn Druids...and Satanists...and weird gothy teenagers who don't know what they're doing...and hungry hobos...

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