I don't know quite what it is, but the medication simply isn't working. I feel more and more depressed each week. I feel hopeless and ignored, dismissed and invisible. I immerse myself in things that seem so big to handle to find out later I worked myself up into a wreck for nothing. I get heartbroken over the littlest things that seem huge in my eyes and my refreshing sense of patience has been slowly reaching a breaking point. Things I used to look forward to I cringe at, thus I procrastinate severely. I've not been managing my finances as well as I should, though by next month I'll be on target again. People who bring me happiness don't seem to want to deal with me anymore at this point. (And I do not blame them) I get emotionally worked up over things I cannot even comprehend. Everyone seems so foreign and sterile to me. I have fun going out still, I have a blast meeting new people, I like going out on adventures and trying out new things and seeing out of the ordinary sights. Almost always at the end of the day, though, I'm in tears, my mind racing a mile and minute, feeling taken advantage of and the last to know of important things. I've been forgetful, clumsy, accident-prone more so than usual, flustered, angry, confused and disoriented. I misunderstand things I shouldn't and I read more into things I mustn't. I have become way too empathetic about the wrong things. At the same time I've become VERY apathetic to the right things that used to hurt me to my very core. Most of that has stuck but sometimes there's a fracture in my strength and all that I had leaves me.

I'd been doing well to hold it all together but the bindings are breaking, my stregnth is shrinking. I owe this all to the fact that I let things under my skin that I shouldn't have, that hadn't bothered me in a long time. I'm in that place again where I'm a horror to myself and I don't like where I put myself, especially this past weekend, it seemed like no matter what I did I fell short and I let someone down or someone let me down when I should know better than to rely on people. I've been praying a lot and it's helped me tremendously to overcome these feelings, these events, these episodes if you will but it's not enough. Bottom line is I've failed and I've been failing. People ask me why I push myself so hard and it's because when I cut myself some slack I don't know when to stop. That's why I'm always pushing to be more than what I am, more than what I was, what I could be. I've done it before, I was much weaker than this, much more pathetic than this not so long ago. Maybe something is trying to be reclaimed in my head but I cannot let that happen. I need to push harder to become stronger and stay stronger.

This weekend was my breaking point and since Sunday all I've been doing was having horrible sleep because I have this overwhelming guilt inside of me that I'd done something horrible, that I was doing something horrible, that I'd let so many people down and that I'd taken up too many resources for it all to fail in the end. That all the work I did for something or someone was for nothing because it wasn't appreciated or I didn't honor someone enough to let them have their way. This has come out of nowhere which is how I know this is my severe depression creeping up again. I'm also extremely anxious about my brother's upcoming court day as it may be his release day. I cannot fathom this, I cannot accept that. I have nightmares about him coming back to live with us, I wake up in anxiety. This I cannot do anything about but I do not know how I would accept this if it were to come to it. I'm not sure what I should be doing right now except picking up the mess I've made and trying to shine something new in the empty space I made. Not sure how to do that except for a little bit at a time. I've still managed to help those who've come to me for it and I'm very glad but it hurts that I feel like I'm so exposed and I cannot say anything about what I'm feeling because I'm the one who helps people, I'm the one who's the strong one, I'm the one who makes things better. Who am I to say anything about the help I need? This will go away, I know it will go away and I hate revisiting this place over and over and over again, I can't help it no matter how hard I try so I'm just going to have to try harder.