Recently, I went to confession. And I was turned away because I wasn't telling the whole truth. (or I was blanketting things, I was padding them to seem not as band) But the truth is, they are that bad. They are VERY bad. Some of you don't know, I'm Catholic, I have been forever. And some of you don't know this because I don't present myself as I true believer and follower with the things I do, the words I say and the way I act. That's not right. I shouldn't be this way, especially since I know better and have the tools to make myself better by following the rules. (10 commandments) I am very fearful right now of my mortality and where I'm going after I expire. I was the clear the slate with everyone, as of this moment, as of this very second that you're reading this. I am confessing to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned, that I have sinned gravely. And that I need to tell you all something:

I don't center that to be proud of it, by no means am I pround of this. This has been wearing on me for the past 20 years. It started when I was little, I used to lie about everything. Mainly about abuse that had been happening to me. I couldn't tell anyone and I needed to pad the truth about what was happening to me. So I started doing it to everything. And it's taken me so long to do this because I've been afraid to face what I've done. I've done too many things to myself where I need to come clean to the things that I've done. I've lied to all of you: my family, friends, boyfriends, myself, and above all, GOD. I've lied for years to the point where I was absolutely comfortable with the lies I was telling. Where I didn't have any problem saying any of these things to anyone. And that's when I needed to stop, but I didn't. I should have, I have had plently of oppertunities to. But I didn't. I'm being as honest and as truthful and as blunt as I possibly can at this point.

After I reveal these things to you, I expect a lot of peole to stop being my friend or question me or reject me altogether. And I don't blame any of you. I'm telling you to wipe my slate clean, to not lie to any of you ever again, and to make sure that I start to live as I should: with God. If any of you have any questions about any of this, please contact me and tell me. I'm sorry I'm doing this so impersonally, but I need to get this out to everyone and this is the best way I know how. I'm also a coward. I will talk to each of you soon. If you want me to. If you don't, that's alright, too. I'm sorry for lying in the first place.

These are the 101 things that I posted about myself, most of them lies. I've bolded the lies.

1. My name is Mercades Vicky Victoria Baltierra Guerra De Luna Nazereth LIE: (SORTA) THIS IS THE NAME I'VE GIVEN MYSELF FOR MY OWN REASONS

2. I'm half Egyptian, half Mexican, a combonation that I like to call Egypt-xican. :p LIE: I'M PURE MEXICAN. I'VE BEEN TOLD I LOOK MIDDLE EASTERN SO I JUST WENT WITH THAT.

3. My nicknames/names I go by are Merci, Merc, Vicky, Vic, Kitty, Cow, Pigyy, Icky Vicky, Pretty Kitty, Benz, Victoria's Secret, Squee!, Whee!, Drunk Hooker, Homeless Stripper, Audrie Ryan, Darla Doore, Cousin Itt, Miss McGuilacutty, Angel and Redwood

4. I can play the piano, clarinet, drum/precussion instruments, accordian, bass, and electric spoons. :p By ear and by sheet music

5. I have a little bro called Gerardo but he goes by Jerry. His middle name is Ignacious. His initials are GIB!

6. I have many health problems and doctors have told me twice that I wouldn't live to see 25 LIE: DOCTOR'S HAVE NEVER TOLD ME THIS. I JUST FEEL IT WITHIN MYSELF THAT I WILL NOT LIVE VERY LONG

7. My mommy was allergic to me when she was pregnant so they pulled me out of her a month early. She was in labour for a week! LIE: (SORTA) SHE HAD TOXIMIA WHICH IS SOMETHING WOMEN IN LABOUR COULD DIE FROM AND SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 8 DAYS OR SO

8. I absoluetly LOVE cats!!!!

9. I once had 9 cats living in my home at one time and I've had 14 cats in total spawned from the original first two

10. My favorite bands are The Beatles and Marilyn Manson

11. I love photography/digital manipulation/graphic arts and dabble in it from time to time

12. I am NOT into threesomes, foursomes, or orgies, nor do I want to be. Don't ask.

13. I took my first drug when I was 12 and am still trying to taper off of it LIE: I'VE NEVER DONE DRUGS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE EXCEPT FOR SECOND HAND MARIJUANA SMOKE AND AN ACCIDENTAL OVERDOSE OF IBEPROPHEN OR PSEUDOPHEDERINE AT TIMES. I SAY THIS TO ACCOUNT FOR MY ERRATIC BEHAIVOUR AT THE TIME

14. I've been admitted to 2 different mental hospitals 5 times so far

15. I can memorize music, sheet music, movies and TV shows almost instantly

16. I'm a big fan of Jhonen Vasquez (from Invader Zim and Johnny the Homicidal Maniac fame)

17. My best friend in the whole wide world is Fabian C. aka Tonz of Fun (Tonzy for short) and has been since 1993

18. I name and nickname almost everything and everyone I see/own/touch/etc.

19. I used to want to be a nun when I was little, even though I didn't go to church very often

20. I was raped when I was 7, again when I was 9, again when I was 12, again when I was 13, again when I was 15, again when I was 16, and again when I was 17 LIE: THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES WHERE I HAVE SAID NO AND I STILL LET IT HAPPEN AND THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES WERE IT WAS STACHITORY RAPE BY MEANS OF THE GUY WAS OLDER THAN ME. THERE HAS BEEN TWO INSTANCES WHERE I'VE FALSLY INVOLVED THE POLICE. I'VE ONLY REALLY BEEN RAPED TWICE WHEN I WAS YOUNG

21. Despite this, I feel more comfortable around men than I do women

22. I have a lot more guy friends than I do girl friends, but the girl friends I do have are the closest to me

23. I used to faint a lot during my 10th and 11th grade year of high school due to a heart condition and epilepsy LIE: I HAVE A PSEUDOSYNCAPY PROBLEM THAT I BLAME ON A HEART CONDITION AND I WAS ON EPILEPSY MEDICATION FOR A WHILE BUT BASICALLY MY HEAD WAS MAKING MYSELF EXTREAMLY ILL, BUT STILL FEELS EXTREAMLY REAL AND STILL MAKES ME SICK TO THIS DAY BUT I HAVE A LOT MORE CONTROLL OVER IT, UNLESS IT'S HOT

24. I love stand-up comedy!

25. I write so much and have so many ideas during odd times of the day and night, I have to have a pen and paper handy or I get frustrated with myself

26. I'm really into corsetry/hosiery, stilettos, lingerie, wigs, make-up, costumes, jewlery, gloves, and such

27. I write on the walls in my room, much to my parent's dissaproval

28. My real dad is my mom's husband's brother, which makes my half-brother my cousin also and my real dad my uncle. (confused? my work here is done) LIE: I TELL PEOPLE THIS BECAUSE I USED TO NEED A REASON WHY MY FATHER NEVER PAID ATTENTION TO ME AND MY MOTHER OR BROTHER. I'M VERY SORRY FOR PUTTING THAT UP BECAUSE IT IS AN INSULT TO MY MOTHER. I'M SORRY. ALSO, SOME OF YOU HEARD ME SAY THAT MY DAD HAS ANOTHER FAMILY. THIS IS NOT TRUE, THOUGH WE HAVE PRESUMED THAT HE CHEATING ON MY MOTHER. THIS MAY ALSO BE A FALACY.

29. I'm constantly depressed but people always describe me as the funny one in the group

30. I'm the funny one in a group. I make people raise an eyebrow all the time

31. I like Coffee Bean coffee better than Starbucks coffee

32. My favorite winter time peice of clothing are my knee-high indivitual toe socks. I have about 7 or 8 pair!

33. I rescue animals off the street all of the time

34. I completely and utterly believe in the existance of God 100% without a doubt in my mind and am Catholic, but am by no means any kind of example of any kind THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE

35. I love to draw and had a lovely portfolio but it was thrown away from my high school locker ;'( I'm still trying to rebuild it

36. I'm friends with almost all my ex-boyfriends, almost all of them are friends with eachother as well as my brother

37. I've tried to kill myself (seriously) about 4 times

38. I got a mention in the paper when I tried to blow my brains out with a gun and practically all of the police department came out with their bean bag guns

39. I steal my mom's car at night LIE: I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE, ONLY SOMETIMES DURING THE DAY TO GET FOOD OR SOMETHING

40. I can't function without my computer, digital camera, or cell phone

41. I can't live without my mom, my friends, my church or my animals

42. My best job was at Tower Records where I met really awesome people and made some friends

43. My favorite TV shows are The Simpsons, Family Guy and ER

44. I started cutting myself when I was 12

45. I had over 50 scars on my body by the time I stopped and most of them arn't visable anymore

46. I want to get many tattoos but none of them on my lower back

47. Someone once told me they didn't think I was part Mexican because I was "too well-spoken" WTF? LIE: I'M ALL MEXICAN, WHICH MAKES THIS MORE OF AN INSULT

48. I steal clothing/acessories from time to time LIE: I DON'T DO THIS ANYOMRE, DON'T ASK ME TO DO IT ANYMORE!!!

49. middle school was a living fucking nightmare for me, I hated all two years of it

50. I love to sing all the time

51. I'm shy when I first meet people for the first few minutes. :p

52. I meet the weirdest/coolest people via the internet

53. I've never been out of the tri-state area (California, Nevada, Arizona) and the only "foreign" country I've been to is Mexico

54. I don't like riding roller coasters

55. When I get really scared, I laugh hysterically and cry really hard. (this is actually quite humerous to watch)

56. I've never been on a plane and I'm very afraid of high heights

57. I don't date guys on what they look like. If you've seen some of my exes, you'd agree.

58. I ran away from my house when I was 18 and spent the night at a hotel with a guy I met on the internet who flew all the way from Denmark to meet me.

He ended up not liking me.

59. I dress up goth most of the time I go out

60. I LOVE to dance and go to dance clubs!

61. I have a lunchbox filled with pics of The Beatles, Marilyn Manson, morbid art, and witty sayings on it that I broke on Prom '04 and havn't fixed since LIE: I'VE FINALLY FIXED THIS

62. I'm not straight, bi-sexual, or a-sexual. I'm just sexual, blending seamlessly in between each lable of sexuality depending on the person

63. I've trained myself to write backwards as well as I write forwards

64. I've worn glasses since the 3rd grade

65. When I had my first "real" boyfriend, I was fat, broken-out, had glasses and braces and greasy hair. A true testiment to the "love is blind" factor.

66. I was a complete and utter band geek in highschool and proud of it!

67. My favorite alcoholic drinks are cranberry juice mixed with vodka and Bacardi Raz

68. My favorite candy is Lint Lindor Truffles

69. I'm hopelessly addicted to minty gum, mints, and mint strips

70. When I loose something, I do not stop looking for it until I find it and usually have a breakdown in between there

71. I think most guys I see are absolutely cute and I instantly have crushes on strangers

72. I would/have never/will never turn down or reject a guy if he asked me out on a date LIE: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND NOW, MIKE, WITH WHOM I'M VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH

73. I am 5'3 and a quater, measurements are 40-43-53 and a D cup

74. I think a guy full-on dressed in gal's clothing and make-up is hawt shit!!!

75. I used to carry around a little voo-doo doll called Stellar around everywhere with me in the 10th grade

76. I've had 8 teeth extracted from my mouth so far

77. I have a second-degree burn mark on my torso from a gel candle incident

78. I was in a band called Sedition for a breif time and was kicked out when I refused to play at a gig in exchange for sex LIE: I WAS NEVER A VOCALIST IN A BAND

79. And yet, I've have had sex for money

80. If I ever loose enough weight, I would definetly become a stripper LIE: NO I WOULDN'T, NOT ANYMORE

81. I can't sleep without saying my prayers first

82. My favorite artists are Mark Ryden and CHAD MICHAEL WARD!!! Google them!

83. I have a fear of drowning and burning alive

84. I can whip out a full-page poem or essay in about 15 minutes

85. I meow like a cat when I talk to people and I don't even know I'm doing it half the time

86. I tried out to be a model once :)

87. I'm a perv at times

88. I can't drink Kool-Aide without breaking out like crazy

89. I've had the same pair of 3 inch platforms for the past 7 years and I can't bear to throw them away because they don't make them anymore

90. I have to have either alcohol or hand sanitizer at hand in my room

91. I'm quite the computer geek O.O

92. My favorite movies are Spun, Big Fish, Amelie` and Cherish

93. My favorite magazines are Gothic Beauty, Mad Magazine, Circus, Reader's Digest and Hit Parader

94. I want to publish my own works of liturature and have my books on bookshelves everywhere

95. I love shopping at thrift stores!!! I have the coolest stuff from thrift stores!!!

96. I've dyed my hair red, green, blue, purple, brown, orange, and blonde so far

97. I've learned how to draw my own blood into vials using needles and syringes

98. My ex-boyfriend pierced my eyebrow for me. The second one had to be removed because he got it on the nerve.

99. My all-time favorite song is Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve

100.My favorite color is red and black. If they're not available, burgandy.

101. I love you. <3 LIE: I CAN'T LOVE LIKE I USED TO ANYMORE

MORE LIES:

-I've never been pregnant before, just hysterically pregnant and that was enough to lead me to conclusions. And sometimes I've told my boyfriend that I was to keep them. I've also told some people that I had a child or that I was married at some point. False.

-I never had an older boyfriend in junior high that died by being run over or an older girlfriend that leaves me to take care of her kid or that I used to rob people with or slum with.

-I've never seen my cousin or anyone else commit suicide in front of me, though I had a cousin who commited suicide

-I was never with a drag queen or an older guy in a band who was an alcoholic or abusive drug addict.

-I never had a friend called Ash. He was very real to me in my head and I really did mourn in a big way when he "died", but this is just a person in my head that left me and I physically felt it. Further proof of how insanely fucked up in the head I am.

-I've never had full-on attacks with visual and auditory hallucinations that were in the form of two women. I've had instances were I would hear things that wern't really there and such, but never full-on like that. I have had instances where I've seen semi-transparent bugs falling from the ceiliing when I was little and sometimes at night I see everything in thick static that I can hold in my hand.

That's all I can think of right now. The timing maybe shitty for me to tell everyone this, but no time would have been good. If anyone needs to talk to me, you know my number, you know my e-mail. Just contact me. I'm sorry for hurting everyone.

God Bless,
Mercades