Yesterday was pretty cool, Amelindy and Vane` dropped by with their portfolios and some clothes to sell on e-bay. We talked about our guys, our goals, current events and past dramas. She offered to help me dye my hair blue/emerald/purple (kinda peacock colours) and I'm psyched for it! Every time I hang out with them I get so freakin' ghetto and chatty! LOL I miss that, hanging out with my girls, I don't have too many gal pals so I love being around them. It was especially important for me to get in touch with them because I felt like I wasn't a part of their life anymore and, although to a certain extent I'm not, we're always in each other's lives and that's important to me right now a whole lot to maintain and reconnect my friendships with the people I haven't talked to in quite some time.

Last night I was out of the blue invited to Cyrene's to hang out. Getting there was alright except I made a wrong turn right off the freeway! LOL But I found the place okay and when I got there, it started raining a little bit. Sierra, Bryan and Tako where already there. :) It was great to get out of the house and see the cool guys I rarely see, talk about nerd stuff and silly things! We smoked the hookah for a while until Bryan and Sierra had to go, we talked about having a Valentine's Day party but we called it something different, I think it was like Single Awareness day LOL Cyrene, Tako and I headed to a Thai restaurant at like 1 in the morning called the Mix Bowl. That food was so yummies!!! And it was inexpensive for the portions they served! I really liked the place, sitting with friends eating and talking. I felt calm for a while, happy, like old times, like I wasn't sick or worried for a little while. I was greatful for that night and I am grateful for my friends.

When I got home, I hung out with Kevin for a while, watched Berserk (we're down to the last 2 episodes now). He made me nachos and I gave a ride to his sis and nephew. It was a great day that I'm glad I got to take the time to talk with him and be a dork for a while. He doesn't want me to dye my hair like a peacock :p I tried to explain to him whenever I get really depressed I like to change my outward appearance.

I haven't talked about this for a while, but as most of you know I have mental illnesses. Lately, because of current happenings and stress overload (understandably), I've not been myself. I withdrew from a lot of people and events and haven't been myself. There's an inner dialogue I have inside of myself all the time, every waking moment, and thoughts that go with that dialogue. Lately, these thoughts and the dialogue have been becoming more and more intense. I'm rehashing old memories that haven't been unearthed in years, things I thought I'd forgotten. I have severe mood swings and horrible thoughts about hurting myself, and worse. I'm not as focused as I should be and I know every day it gets a little harder and harder to think that I can go on living like this. I started seeing a therapist when I was about 5 or so but stopped a few years later. In junior high, I started seeing one again but I found it difficult to talk to someone to make them understand exactly what was in my head. I had to see one again in high school through the Victim's Advocate program which was a huge waste of time. I don't see one anymore because it takes too long to get appointment. I had a great therapist who I loved talking to but about two years ago she left my facility and I haven't found another therapist that helped me like she did. I was prescribed medication when I was in high school but I stopped taking it because whenever I'd miss a dose, I'd flip out completely and it'd be the end of the world. Without the medication, I learned to live with my illnesses, I learned to cope with how my mind and body react to certain events and I can give a heads-up to whoever's around me about how I feel. I know deep in my heart and mind that I need to get back on some sort of treatment, that these last few years and especially the last few months have made me very ill and I'm very damaged. It's my own fault that I let this go on so long but I've been putting myself last lately so I could help everyone that needed me, and I know it was going to catch up to me but I know did the right thing. Think of it as instead of me stopping the fire, I'm burned and I need to heal; It's not about prevention now, it's about treatment.

I don't know when this will happen, or how long it will take, what methods will be used or how this will change me but I think it's important for everyone to know this since I have contact with you probably one way or another and it's very difficult for me right now to admit this and want to get help. I've been in mental hospitals before where they'd give me therapy and stabilize me on medication, it's helped before but this is different, scary territory to put me in one now. I don't want it to come to that but I fear that's what it may come to. I don't want to leave my friends, my family, the people who care about me, especially since we're so close to maybe having a resolution with Saul's situation and my dad is still recovering from his injury. I want to get better, strive to start classes and get a good job/career started, spend time with my friends and be with someone who I know loves me. I can't see a stay in a mental hospital as very productive when I'd have to initially "pause" my life but I don't know if that's the very best thing that I could do for myself. It's very frustrating and I don't want to wait until I break down completely again or do something to myself because I know that would hurt everyone around me and I don't want to be that weak person I was just a few years ago. I've made leaps and bounds to improve above those days and I'll do anything to keep from reverting to that sad, strange, ugly person I used to be. Please be patient with me in my process to becoming a better, healthier person in mind, body, and spirit and know that whoever you are, if I'm in your life and you've made that decision to keep me in your life, I love you very much and I want to get better for myself so I can help everyone I care about who needs me and wants me in their lives. I'm not much but a bundle of nerves and frayed wires but I'll try to become something better so I don't disappoint anyone and I succeed farther than my own goals where set. Thank you.

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I wish I could sleep forever...if only I could sleep