OK, so right now I'm shrouded in a cloud of depression that usually lifts itself from time to time, but right now I can't think. I feel faint. I feel sick. I've just eaten but I feel like throwing up. Meow. What's up with me? What's up with the desicions I've been making lately? Have you ever felt like there's one thing after another that you've done that will leave you feeling happy but in the end it just makes you feel like a horrible person? I want to SCREAM right now all the things that I'm feeling, all the thoughts that I'm thinking, everything that's in me. I want to bleed all of this away from me, but I can't. No one knows everything. I can't tell everything without hurting someone. I can't hurt anyone. I try not to, anyway, but it always happens. Fuck. I want to hurt myself like I'm hurting on the inside, but I made a promise that I wouldn't. I wish I didn't make that promise. I feel so ugly inside. I don't know. I feel so ill right now, in my head and physically. i don't feel like doing anything or being anything right now, but if I fall into that pattern again, I'll just take longer to get out of it and I'll never be able to do something for myself that'll make me better. Sometimes, I hate myself. I can't hate anyone else, but sometimes I can hate myself. It's ok to take it out on me. I'm nothing, I feel like nothing. It's taken me a lot of time to make myself feel like I was worth something. Some beautiful people (and one in particular) have shown me my worth and what I am to them. I'm thankful, but at the same time, it's hard for me to believe. I want to believe it, but I'm not in a place right now for me to know that I am. Oh My God, I can't believe that this is happening. That I made this decision and now I have to live with this...mess that I've made. What do I do now? I can't turn back, there's no place to turn to that I can call home anymore. I can't look back and if I do, I'll fall apart again. What can I do now? Where can I try to get better? I feel like I've already lost what I had and now I can't get it back. Or can I? I need it. but I don't feel like I deserve it. Or that I can have it. Why is it hard for me to be happy? Why is it hard for me to accept nice things? Why is this so hard for me to try to want to have these things??? Fuck. Some people are right: I don't know how to be happy. I just have to learn how to try not to drag other people into it.

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When you want it, it goes away too fast
Times you hate it, always seems to last
Just remember when you think you're free...
...the crack inside your fucking heart is me