I had a wonderful but troubled guy in my life off and on for 3 years.

His name is (was) Daniel Luis.

Daniel Luis always picked me up when I was down, tried to charm me, tried to be close to me, tried to make me forget people who made me sad or confused. He took me to an exclusive gallery opening once, the kind that you have to wear a designer outfit to and eat strange food on platters that waiters carried around and drink champagne. It was the most out of place I'd ever felt in my life and he tried so hard to share his world with me.

He is (was) a graphic designer, a great artist, wonderful to look at, handsome, talented, a little pushy at times, very passionate and intense when he was into something or someone.

He was (is) also a drug addict.
He liked heroine. He quite heroine.
He liked cocaine. He quite cocaine.
He liked pot. He quite pot.

He loved ecstasy.
He tried to part with ecstasy.

It had been 3 months since he parted with it. And tried to be with me.
I cared very much for Daniel Luis but I couldn't find it in my heart to be with him.

He respected that but always made me feel like I was the only girl for him.
That his life would be ten times better, he said, if I was with him.
If I could share his life with him, that he would paint pictures for me, get me into special events, spend all his money on me.

I didn't want his money, privilege or idolization.
All I worried about was his drug problem, should it come back, what could I do. He said he got cleaned up for me before approaching me again because he knew how I felt about hardcore drugs. He said he wanted me very much in his life and cared about me so very much. He swore to me he would never touch another drug, that his life was too precious and he wanted to share his talents with a wider audience and share his life with me.

But I am (was) scared. I don't feel what he feels. And I don't know if it was because he was too good to be true or because my heart belongs to someone else.

I don't know...

Daniel Luis did an untold number of tablets of ecstasy in 1 hour at a party last night.

Doctor said it might have been between 5-9

He drove in his car.

He flew off the guard rail.

He landed in a clearing.

He survived.

But he's not Daniel Luis anymore.

He is patient #XXX-XXX at a hospital in Northridge.
He is a zombie. He speaks mush. He stares at everything. He sees nothing.

The people who found him said that he was screaming and poking the gash in his head, he wasn't making sense because his jaw was locked.

When I heard, I couldn't believe it. I was angry and sad and disappointed and worried. I wanted nothing to do with this but I cannot abandon anyone who needs me.

I saw him, and he was gone.

He's in outer space somewhere, dancing on the moon.
He's swimming in the river on Mars.
He's riding on an asteroid going across the galaxy.

He's not here.

There was a reaction when I came in the room for a brief second, the nurse said there'd been a few things that triggered a reaction. When he saw his agent, he raised his left hand. His agent said that's how they shook hands, left hand first because they're both lefties. When he saw his mother, who he's not seen in some years, he covered his face and reached out for her.

When he saw me, Daniel Luis jerked his head and he shed a few tears and tried to grab for me...

then he went away again, back into space.

My heart broke across the surface then. It was an unreal feeling.

Daniel Luis may never come back. The odds of his serotonin levels being back to normal aren't good after so many pills. Doctor said it could last from 24 hours to maybe as long as 6 weeks to see what damage was actually done from the accident. After his wounds heal, he'll be moved to the psychiatric part of the hospital to try to break through his mind.

I've seen people that do ecstasy and never leave; their brain kind of snaps and they become a different being and parts of who they where try to peak out and that makes them frustrated.

As selfish as this sounds, I am glad I wasn't with him in a relationship because I don't know how my heart would have taken this betrayal and this outcome to it. I know he tried his best for his recovery and I knew there might have been a relapse but this is really big. This is huge. This is life-altering and nothing may be the same.

I'm going to try to visit him again sometime next week because I'll have more money and I can gas up my car to go that far again. He's been there for me, I'll be there for him as much as I can.

And I only hope that Daniel Luis can come back to us
Come back to us and tell us how it is in outer space
he has a lot to offer this world still.

he has a lot to offer still.