Today I had my play brother worried about me. I know I must have got him a little worried about me. That wasn�t my intention. I�m trying to avoid drama as much as I can. A lot of stuff�s been swirling in my head lately and it�s really hard for me to deal with it outside of Life Teen because I don't like talking to anyone there about my problems because I look up to them too much. A lot of it is the stuff at my house. It was hard for me to come home on Sunday because I didn't want to go home. I wanted to be with my play brother and Jaime C. but they where at their boy's night out thing. I really didn't want to be home all depressed because then I do wierd things.

Another part of it is entirely my fault and I can�t do anything about it. I prayed about this a lot and it still happened. Every one already know that I fall in love with people really easily, it's a fact that I�m really into Jaime C. I prayed to God that I wouldn�t fall in love with him, or even like him that way, but I did and I do. And it really hurts me inside that I can�t tell him because I know that he doesn�t want a girlfriend right now and I know that he might be planning to give his life over to God as a priest. It hurts me because I know that I can be a good girlfriend to someone like I was with my last boyfriend. And I want to be a good girlfriend to Jaime, but I don�t ever think I�ll get that chance. I don�t know why I feel this way about him. And I don�t want to feel this way about him. But I really love him, so much, I love each time that he and I talk alone because that�s when I get to know him more. I guess that�s what�s also been bugging me a lot. And I try to put my feelings aside and talk to him like a friend, but it�s so hard for me to do that right now. Plus I feel like I�m using him for rides and stuff, which is not the case, but I feel like I might be giving off that impression. Ugh! I hate this. I want him to become whatever he wants to be, and I�ve prayed about this to God, for His will to be done in Jaime as he sees it fit, and for me to accept it, but THIS IS SO HARD!!! At least Ernie was there at church again, he's always there for me.

Luminous called me again. I don't know what to say to him. I know the old Luminous wouldn't think twice about calling me and just keep me out of his life. But this guy is a stranger in his skin, with the same core likes and dislikes, except that some of them have shifted to opposite sides. I guess that's bothering me too.

It's also scaring me that Jaime C. can just jump right out of my life at any time. I remember everyone who leaves me. I don't want him to be just a memory. I love him. I love him so much...

http://www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258