I've been neglecting my online diary and my web site alltogether because I've been so bloody depressed. Today was depressing because there was a drama put on by some of the core/college and the main star was being tempted by the devil to choose between three doors. The first door was unlimited money, the second door, the croos you bear, the third door was popularity. We were all put into small groups and asked what door would we choose. I am in college team and was asked by a fellow college teamer and a core member what door I would choose and I said door number one. I feel ashamed that I've come this far and I'm still hung up on the things of this world. I feel like I've taken so many steps back and I don't know what to do with myself.

Pedro (aka Fishsticks) shook my hand today and stared at me and I got very self-conscious when he did that. Then he got on one knee and he siad "Much aplidged" and my heart melted. I think Pedro is such a good influence to me and he is someone I could definetly look up to.

On the other side, I've been talking to this really hot guy called Johnny and he thinks that I could become a model. I want to go places with him and I really like him.

Jaime C. has to cut down on his visits to the parish becuase of the mileage and cost of gas for the car. It makes me upset because I could see him slowly leaving from me and this is a person I definetly want in my life. I think God put him in my life for a reason and although I know not what that reason is, I still want him in my life.

That's another thing that gets me upset, that people that are so wonderful and so radiant and full of love for God and love in general just up and leave out of my life. I can't stand that. Too many people have done that and I'm trying desperately hard to get them to stay, and some of them have, some of them arn't going anywhere, and some of them don't look back. I want these people in my life, but so many people that I love have left me. I almost can't stand it anymore.

I also feel inadiquet at the Life Teen and Edge plannings because I'm not doing more than I feel I could. I know that I can change people's lives if they could just hear what I have to say but I'm not being given the chance right now. Maybe it's a good thing because right now I cannot be trusted on to give a heart-filled testimony. I can't believe I let it get this way. I feel so wrong and aweful right now and I know there's only one way I could feel better but it's so difficult for me. It wasn't before and now it is. I can't believe what I've become.

www.geocities.com/sweet_jane258