I don't have to do anything for you anymore, but I do. Maybe I'm a fool for doing it. Maybe I'm a fool for hanging on to the thought that one day I'll be something you want again. It's unfair that because of someone else's misdeeds that you won't give me a chance. I would think you'd know my loyalty to you already at this point. That I'm NOT her. That I'm me. I'm someone who's been with you and supported you for almost a year now. I'm sorry I'm fucked up and that I had to leave to get myself straight. And yes, you being single left you free to do whatever you wanted. But I thought you "loved" me so much that you would want me to be better for you. But you just found yourself wanting someone. Anyone, it seemed. And now she's gone. And I'm still here with what could have been and what used to be. Why do I keep tourturing myself? I don't know exactly. Maybe I still hold on to frail hope even though I know in my heart that it may not exist anymore. That this is all that's left. I am happy to have what you give me. I hate myself for wanting more. But I wouldn't ask anything more than what you are giving me because it's more than I deserve.

I still wish sometimes that I could leave you because I'm being destroyed and I know I won't get to show you that I can be good for you or make you happy. I know I make you happy and feel loved now and that's enough for me but I want to show you more. I know I'll have to leave if you find someone else. And I want to find someone else, too, by God, how I want to love someone else. But I can't seem to WANT to love anyone else but you. I have someone else who loves me very much, who's jealous of you and who is angry that I spend time with you. I have someone else who wants me to be his, who wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt me, who wants to spend time with me, who things you're a fool for not wanting me. He's doing well and makes me happy when I spend time with him, the few times I do see him. I know I can make him happy and I know he can make me happy.

But I don't love him. He doesn't mean anything close what you mean to me. And I don't know why and I can only come to think that it's because I love you so much. I'm tired of all this. I'm tired of hearing things that break my heart a little more. I'm so very tired of feeling like I'm being wasted or like I'm just something to pass the time while you wait for the next thing to roll around. I'm sick of feeling disposable and replacable. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

And the sad fact of the matter is, it's not going to end with you. It's not going to end at all. I'm always going to feel this way no matter who I'm with and I'm always going to be broken inside because I was damaged long before anyone knew and before I could even remember. Someone already showed me that I'm only a plaything and that "love" is subjective to whoever's interpretation it is and that I'm only to be used when needed, discareded when not.

Maybe I'm just looking for someone who won't throw me away.

till we part (or until you push me away)
xoxo, mErci