Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you try to change, it's all hopeless and you'll always be that same person that you tried so desperately to escape from?

I feel that way a lot right now.

But I know it's up to me to stop it.

It stops now.

Do you ever feel like you're just this complete black hole of evil and that the only way to stop it is to kill yourself?

I used to feel that way a lot.

Maybe I should feel that way right now.

I'm beyond numb right now.

I feel nothing. Absolute nothing.

At least when you're numb, you know the pain is still there, hiding.

But me? I feel void.

Do you ever feel like you're just a tool, something to be used and then put away in place to be used again for the same thing, no emotion behind it?

I've been feeling that way a lot these past two days.

Does it say 'use me' somewhere on me?

or do people just see it inside of me?

Fuck.

And why do they see it?

I've been working so hard to change inside

and it's been working

but lately I've been falling

hard

maybe the lowest I've ever been

maybe

I've run out of all the things I said I'd never do

except drugs

(which I'll still never do)

Fuck.

Leave me, now, you're better off alone.

Save yourself.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

oh, look, you're like a VCR
stick something in to know just who you are