All day today, all I had were women with their babies.
Not toddlers.
Not grown children.
Not kids.

Babies.
Little innocent babies.
Looking at me with their big eyes.

I have no one to talk to about this, I feel so alone right now. I feel so useless and alone. I feel taunted and spit on. I feel the wound still there. I feel so empty and powerless, like I don't know what's going on within me inside me anymore and I don't know if I ever will again. I feel like I need something inside of me again, something growing that will need my love to live. I don't have anything anymore and I want to be wanted. I was going to have a purpose. I was going to have someone in my arms forever to love forever. I cry at night thinking about it. And I hate thinking about it. I don't want to think about it. But it crawls into my head and rips at my heart.

I am so alone in this. I don't want to bother you about this because I hate that I made you feel this way. I debated telling you but I know I needed to because you have the right. I am in so much pain and I can't stand it. There's a hole where my heart used to be.

You seem to be doing well and staying strong. I'm glad because one of us needs to be strong and I'm doing well myself only because I made promises. And I want to live to be needed again. I wasn't sure if I wanted children for sure but now I know it's something that I want to do and I would have been honestly unworthy but completely devoted and selfless as our blessing grew. I just wish I had the opportunity to show you.

It's not fair that something I wanted so very badly slipped through me.
It's not fair that others take this blessing for granted when I would gladly trade them places.
It's not fair...and I don't know who's to blame...it's not fair, and I'm so very angry still...

I wish I could say that it's not hurting me but it's digging into me so very hard. It was all I could do to keep from breaking down when someone asked me if I had any children. It's all I can do to keep myself from joining my little angel. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did this have to elude me? Why...why...why....I get nothing in return. I know it was for the best all in all but this is a fucked up way of having things work out. I can't sit here and cry but I can't quite move on either.

I can't stand to think of anyone else touching me for a very long time. I can't stand to think of anyone seeing me as anything but a huge failure. I've cut off my tied with the guys I've been seeing and/or talking to. I left them all behind because I can't imagine their hands on me, or anything more, the idea sickens me. I love having you next to me because I feel safe with you and you know what we're going through and I can feel that you care about me still and you respect me. I love that you still want to hold me even though I failed you. That means so much to me right now that you can still look me in the eye. You don't know how much it means to me that you still want to see me. Thank you.

I'll get through this somehow. I don't know how long it will take but I'm trying my hardest to keep you out of my shame and shortcomings. I appreciate everything you've done for me and continue to do for me. And I'll always be here for you, hopefully not so much a mess. I'm being strong for you when I feel so weak. I'll keep my promises to you.

till we part, (by will or by force)
xoxo, mErci