I don't know if I have the strength to want to update things right now but I'm gonna because I'll be mad at myself if I don't.

Today was productive, much more productive than I thought it would be. I'm coming down with something again so I was stuffy and very fatigued, I had to deal with that all day. My ex from high school called me today and asked to hang. I finally had the courage inside of me to stand up to him and tell him that we have a lot of history and now we're into different things and it should stay that way. He said he thought about me while he was in jail and wanted to hang but respected my decision. I've never really been able to stand up to him. He was the boy that I loved that turned into the man that I feared. But that's over now and to let it go finally, to let him know, it's an immense pressure off my chest.

I talked to Tak, poor lil' kitty's ankle's still all mussed up. :( Dad and I went to the market and I was pleased that we made it under $90 today. Dad thought it was too much and an old lady laughed at him. :p We ate a cheap lunch at Jack in the Box, talked to some people about putting on a serpentine belt for my mom's car. (It broke this morning and dad had to take mom to work) Then to the bank, I walked to the post office and didn't get anything from the unemployment or Saul.

At home, I put away all the groceries and I'm happy to do it but I was so very tired it felt like a chore. I picked up my room a bit before making dinner: baked chicken with parsley and Mongolian spices, sauteed red potatoes that were diced. I picked up mom and some pseudophederine and randomly ran into my aunt Martha, dad's sister, and my uncle Phil. They live in Diamond Bar so I was like woah! Hi there! I love seeing my family. My uncle had to get some pain pills cos they took out a tooth, we talked about jobs and my dad.

Raining but still sunny, there was a rainbow out and I took pictures of it. We came home and I served dinner that everyone loved. We're trying to get into the habbit of eating at the table again. Mom and dad applauded my meal and that made me happy.

This is the hard part...
When I was finished, I got a call from Saul. He told me he was going to tell me the truth, which braced me for what he told me next. He said that there were 17 more charges filed against him, that most of the other people being charged took deals. The work release plea was taken off the table. He's looking at at least 1-4 years in prison if convicted. Saul told me that if there's a deal for 16 months that he'll take it because he'd already been in jail for 4 months and he'd serve half time so he'd be out in May.

I cried and didn't realize I had tears coming down my face, they just came down once after the other. He cautiously brought up if I would want to wait that long. And I told him again, I would wait for him. He said, "Thank you...I love you" He was so concerned that I was going to have a panic attack, he asked me over and over if I was okay. He's more worried about me than himself. He said he was very calm about everything, he was okay, brought up the story of Job from the Bible, about how he lost everything but still exalted God and he was rich still. He told me, "It's hard being away from my family and friends and you. Especially you because as far as I'm concerned, you're my future." and that just lit my heart aflame because for a while now I've had the same thoughts. There are things about us together that make sense and I see a future with him more clearly than I had with anyone else. Saul told me over and over again not to worry, that this will all work out, that we'll be together again soon and that he loved me. It was hard to talk because my voice cracked too much but I told him over and over I loved him, too.

I told my parents the new stuff and they were just like Ugh! Unbelievable, when does it end! They never told me to look for a new boyfriend or to stop helping him and his family, just to not stress over things too much and not take on too much. To be honest, I'm not sure how my dad views this whole thing, I'm kind of scared to bring it up, but I'd like to know because he's my dad. We've gotten closer these past few months so I feel like I could bring it up but I need to choose the right time. Mom is happy when I'm happy and she's sad that I'm hurting so much because Saul's away but she knows I love him to death and she sees how much he loves me.

Saul's dad just called me a little bit ago. Juan told me to be calm, be strong, stay positive and that things will get resolved. His dad has always stood very positive and it seems like nothing has surprised him of what's come up and I draw strength from that. Juan knows I care and I can see he cares for me by calling me and making sure I'm alright. His pep talks help. :p

Wednesday determines whether I need hand surgery, and I'm going to the club. :) The 28th is also an important day because since last year, the 28th day of certain months have meant big things for Saul. (his birthday, the day he first got arrested, the day the cops raided his mom's house, the day I rescued him from his mom's house when he was feeling depressed, the night I felt something for him, the day he and I spent the whole day together and I finally told him everything I felt for him) and maybe this time it will be something good again. I'm praying for whatever needs to happen. I love Saul and I want to see him through all this and more.

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reserved for one