Last night...where do I begin?

After school, I really needed to talk to someone. I needed to talk to Steve because he knows what I'm going through right now. We talked for a good 2 hours about everything. He was my safety net. We hugged for a long time and he wished me luck on talking to Mike. Steve's a kick-ass guy. Much love to him.

Dinner with Mike was great. Then it all went to hell. We went to lay in my bed and my denile made him feel like a fiend and he felt terrible. He said he felt like "the rest of the guys" I had been with. We left eachother in tears.

It was my fault.

He came by this morning. He was done thinking. He told me in tears,

"I can't do this anymore."

That word -can't- tears into my heart like a dagger. He can't be with me anymore. His cup is almost overflowing and I've been throwing in the emotional rocks that made this so. My emotional rants and thoughts, the indecisiveness and depression that's been plaguing me more than ever. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I see that all these things that we were going through where small and could definetly be resolved? Why did everything seem so big when in the grand scheme of things, they were really minor and could be resolved? Why was I so resistant to all the things that he told me???

My love left me and it's because of me. I asked him if it would be for a while or forever. He looked at me and I could see in his eyes that he can't think past right now and jumped to forever. I cried and pleaded with him, but his mind's made up. He can't deal with my emotional messes right now and he doesn't know if he can anymore. He's still here for me as a friend and I will be the best friend to him as possible. It still hurts that he's not with me. My love, my future husband, gone because of an instance of insecurity. My fear of loosing him made me loose him and it's my fault.

I take solice in the fact that we've gone through bigger trials than this in the past and then it seemed absolutely impossible that he could ever come back to me and now these things don't seem anywhere as big as this, so I have a lot of optimism that maybe he'll come back to me and we can work things out.

Lately I've been getting more and more depressed and I've been wondering why and it finally makes sense why. I had a really good talk to Mike about this and he's relieved and happy that I know what the cause is. I asked him if this gave him something to think about and he said yes, it did. I'm so happy that I'm going to get better now and that my new treatment will make me less emotional and depressed and that will improve my mood and outlook at life in general. And maybe Mike will see this and he will become more optimistic about how our future will be. He won't have to watch himself all the time about what to say to me or how to say it and we can be more happy. I love him so much and I want to make him happy. I'm feeling better already because I have a mission and I'm not going to stop it at nothing until I try to figure out the core reason of all my woes and turn them into something productive. I'm going to do this for me because i'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and depressed. And I don't want to push Mike away anymore. I need him in my life. He's my soul.

Mom says gave me some good advice. She was right about this kind of thing last time. I pray she's right this time, too. I hope I improve soon. I have so many plans with Mike that I'm not willing to compromise for anyone or anything. I love him very much. I'm happy right now because I know what to do. But I'm so lost without my Mike. I know he needs time to adjust and think things through. I'm going to leave him be for however long he needs. I have a lot of work to do, too. Work that is going to take not too long I think. It's going to be worth it.

I also feel optimistic because of this:

Three months ago, when we were laying in my bed, after he gave me my pre-engagement ring, he held me and kissed me and asked me so sweetly, "Say forever. Please?" This touched me so much because he asked me as if I were this beautiful creature that he was vying for and he couldn't live without me. This filled me with such joy. I loved that moment so much. It overshadows any emotion I ever felt. I love him so much. I made a promise to him that night, forever, and he made a promise to me, forever, too. He's never broken a promise to me and I will never break this promise. I'm his forever. It's only a matter of how things turn out with my process. I'll wait forever for him.

Forever.

Forever is a long time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I asked my love how long he had known he loved me
and he said, "Forever"