This will pass, I know it will, but right now I'm venting.

I feel like a loser. Not only did I not get into college team, I'm not in retreat team, either. *sigh* When Pita told me, I wanted to burst into tears and run out of the church and not look back. I feel like I've worked this hard for nothing. But at the same time I know I havn't been doing all I should be. It's my fault. But at the same time, I feel like shit. Mom and dad are really pissed that this happened because they know how much I love church and everything and they want to complain, but I told them not to. I really don't want them to, either, because then I feel like a whiny baby.

I'm not good enough for this. I feel like a reject, and at church no less. I can't even go on the retreat anymore. I really wanted to go, too, because Vidal was going to go if I did and I really wanted to help him experience God. And now that's not going to happen. I'm so pissed off.

I'm hurt, I'm a wreck. I didn't know how I was going to take this, and now I know. I feel like I have to climb this social ladder in a place that isn't supposed to have any. If I'm not good enough for the people at CHURCH, how am I supposed to be good enough for anything else?

I'm questioning everything right now. I can't believe this. I'm nothing. I feel like I have nowhere to belong. I used to belong at church. Now...I'm a nobody, I'm nothing. I just take up space at church. I'm not helping anybody. I don't know what to do anymore. I used to run to the church. And now? What could I do? I'm not good enough. Mom and dad say that they should be happy that someone like me wants to help out, and all the time with nothing in return, but you know what? I'm not the greatest Catholic. I'm not good enough. I have to get good enough.

I'm so fucking scared about what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so lost. I feel like I have nowhere to belong. Fuck. I can't call anyplace my own anymore. I don't have anything. I used to have this wonderful connection with God and my church where I felt like I was accepted and could help out and be myself. Myself? I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore.

I'm lost! Fuck. Usually when I feel this way, I would talk to Adrian. Fuck. God, I miss Adrian. Everything I love is taken away from me. Everything. It's only a matter of time now. It's only a matter of time...

I don't have anything. Help! God, please help me!!! I can't trust myself right now. I don't know what I'm doing here anymore. I don't have a purpose. i don't have anything...

I'm the worst fucking person...