So I found out the real reason that I didn�t make college/retreat team. *sigh* It IS my fault. Now I truly know what I want to do. I�m not a perfect role model. I never was. I am the way I am. I am a lot better than I was. But it�s still not good enough. I�m not good enough for church. I knew this was coming already. I feel like I don�t want any of this anymore. I feel like all the people that I�ve helped or made smile see me as this horrible person that shouldn�t even be allowed in church. I feel like the dirt of the earth.

I�m going back to be the anonymous girl in the back of the church. I�m going back where I belong. I�m not meant to be seen or heard from. I�ll only ruin everything in the end. Everything I love is taken away from me. Everyone I love will betray me. I can�t help the way I am. I can�t. I can�t pretend to be something I�m not. I�ve done that for too long, now. I�ve been trying to be this happy, peppy, social person that is care-free and spirited. I�m not like that at all. I�ve been wearing a mask for too long now. I thought that if I could help people, if I can share myself with someone, then I can find�joy. But I�m only allowed to share myself if I meet a certain criteria some people. And that�s alright; it�s just not me.

I feel like I�ve died. I used to go to church for everything. Now, I feel like I�m unwanted there. And everything�s been going wrong lately. I used to turn to my friends at church. Now I�m not sure if I could trust them. I can�t talk to my mom, that�s the most straining on me. I tried to talk to her about it, but she has the attention span of a 7 year old. My dad�I can�t talk to him about anything. I talked to Tonzy about some things, he didn�t really have an opinion on it, or if he did, he held it back cuz I know how he would react. For the first time in my life, I honestly and truly have *no one* to talk to. I have no one to talk to. I�ve never been so alone in my life. I have never been this alone in my life. It hurts. It really really hurts. But maybe this is something I need to go through. This is something that will make me a better person.

There are a lot of things that I�m not sure of right now. But one thing is for damn sure: if Satan wants my soul, he�s still going to have to fight a good fight to get it. I�ve known the love of God. Even if for a brief time, I knew it and I loved it. And I�m not going to stop until I could live in that light again. Plus I know a couple of people are ready for me to fall and I�m not going to give them that sick pleasure of letting them see me fall. I may faulter, I may stray, but I still have the same core beliefs.

I�m going through things right now. It would be wise to let me go through it. I still believe in God, Jesus, Mary, everything that I�ve been taught. And I am forever greatful to everyone that has helped me through this process. And I�m also greatful for everything I�ve learned at my church. I�m just upset with myself for letting myself be the way I am and trying to hide it. And for some people not confronting me about it in the first place. But again, this is entirely my fault.

I�m scared of what the future holds. But I can�t help but look forward to what it holds for me.