Yesterday I was at the hospital with my father around noon to hear what the oncologist had to say about my grandpa's condition so far. She didn't sugar coat anything or use complicated technical terms without explaining it, which is good.

Basically, it's either an aggressive form of either lymphoma or leukemia. They'll know for sure on Monday when more tests come back. To treat it is almost the same in both cases. They'll have to clean out the cancer cells with chemotherapy and he will have very little immunity left. This leaves him open for infection cos of the bacteria already in his body. He could die from this infection. He could also die from organ failure. If his heart isn't strong enough for chemo (determined by an echo cardiogram-an ultrasound of the heart), they will have to inject chemo directly into his spinal chord. They found the disease in his spinal cord already, so it is at a very advanced stage and the disease is knocking out his motor function and sensory ability one by one which is why he can't walk or really talk. This disease hit fast and hard, which is why he only showed symptoms a month ago and why it was misdiagnosed as Bell's Palsy at first. Docs say he might have come down with it around 6 months ago. Doc also said that the treatment may kill him faster than the disease itself, so it'd be up to us and him what to do at this point. Survival rate of this disease per course of this treatment: 5% chance.

It was hard news to take and I know the family who was there were getting emotional. I started to feel tears running down my face but I wiped them away quickly cos I had to be strong for my mom who was starting to cry. She needed to leave cos of that. When we were downstairs, I hugged her and she cried, saying she didn't think it was this bad and that the treatment was so severe. She thought he'd be treated and then leave. I was a little scared at how well I can suppress my emotions now, even though I just wanted to cry and cry, I pushed them down cos I had to be strong for my mom. We went to eat and talk at Sizzler, contemplating all the possible things that could happen and remembering different things about my grandpa. I left a note on Matt's car (him working next door and all, how could I resist? ^.^) saying his stalker was there. :p He got a kick out of it when he found it.

Back at the hospital, a lot of relatives came back and forth to visit until I left. I didn't think I was going to make it to Heather's birthday but did. Mom encouraged me to go out cos that's what my grandpa would want me to do, visit him and go about my business. MPsy and I's adventures at the Edison and the Repo! Shadowcast will be left for the next blog, there will be pictures!

Today, I woke up late having come home late, and was sick. Mom told me to come down to the hospital cos grandpa was moved from the observation unit to the step down unit, which meant he was getting worse. She told me to contact my uncle, and I did but he was short with me and hung up. I don't blame him, I don't take it personally, it's a lot of stress we're all under right now.

When I got there, mom lead me up to the step down unit were my grandpa was. He lost 33 pounds since Wednesday and it shows. He has a tube leading out from his stomach cos something's wrong with it. He needs breathing treatments cos his breaths are shallow. And he has a high fever. I talked to him a little bit, kissed him on the cheek while minding the tubes, holding his hand and touching his hair. I told him I loved him, and he told me he loved me. Then I went to the waiting room where my Auntie Ana gave me an earring in the shape of a screw! And told me some funny stories:

-When Auntie Ana was younger, she loved to bake a lot. She loved baking lemon meringue pie especially. One day, she baked a pie, and while it was still warm from the oven pushed it onto my mom's face! Mom was mad cos it got in her long hair and my aunt ate the rest of the pie!

-While in church, when my Uncle Michael was about 3 or 4, Auntie Ana sat in the back with him while the rest of the family sat up front. She told him, "When I say so, howl like a wolf!" and when everyone started singing, at the top of his lungs he howled, "OoooowWwWWwooooOOoOoO!!!" until my grandma found them in the back and said, "Get him out of here!" You can tell my aunt didn't like church very much!

-When my grandma used to drive, my Aunt Ana and Uncle Manuel were in the back seats and my mom was in the front. They were driving on the freeway. They both had their driver's licenses at this point to give an age reference. She said, without saying a word, they both looked at each other, smiled, and opened the back two car doors of the station wagon while going 60mph in the fast lane saying, "Come on, Mom, faster! We want to make the car FLY!"

-My Uncle Manuel and Auntie Ana dined and dashed at a restaurant. My mom went with them and tried to do the same-and got caught!

I'm sure she has a lot more stories in her, it was great to talk with her. My aunt made the afternoon more enjoyable. :) A bunch of family member came down once again, including a cousin who came all the way from San Diego and another from Texas. I always introduce myself, or am introduced, and Silbia's daughter, we're all introduced as so-and-so's daughter/son or affiliation in that matter since it's been so long since anyone has seen each other! Mom and I had lunch with our cousin from San Diego at In N Out before she left, then I took my medicine and we went back to the room. My Aunt Irma, Uncle Danny and their son Julian came over to visit. My grandpa had to get a breathing treatment and a new IV line put in his arm. The nurses take good care of him. He's starting to talk more in Spanish and yells out things sometimes. I can't imagine the pain he's in. This is a warrior in my eyes. This is the man who made his whole house into a garden, planting trees, flowers, and fruit. This is the man who offered to run over my ex boyfriend, and would have, too! This is the man who I introduced all my boyfriends too because he was such a good judge of character and know if that person was good for me or not. This is the man who would go on trips spur of the moment, and take care of my grandma all the times she was sick, and drive everywhere and do everything he ever wanted. It's hard to see him sit still like this. My Aunt Irma was crying when she watched all the treatments being done but I didn't cry because I knew they were trying to help him. I know it will come out eventually that I will break down but in my private time because I want to be strong for my mom.

I came home and tried to sleep cos I felt so out of it with the meds and the heat, but found no rest. I was invited to a party tonight, I might go, it's pretty late, but meh, why not I suppose. I'm still on the fence. I have a lot of sewing left to do but I need my mom to fix the machine again. I can get all this done by Wednesday hopefully. If not, I have a plan B that will work. I'm going to visit my Grandpa again tomorrow, I might stay over the house, I'm not sure yet. I don't know what's going to happen but I do know that God loves my Grandpa and my Grandpa is very much in God and he always had a very strong sense of faith and it will carry him out to wherever this journey leads him to a good place no matter what. I'm very glad my Grandpa always shared his faith with me and the rest of the family. It's all in His hands now. And I'll be there.

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may we be in the palm of Your hand