Don't know why, but going to church, being in church, thinking about church gets me utterly and completely upset and depressed. *sigh* I suppose because I was a part of it for so long without realizing how much I wasn't wanted/needed there and how much disallusionment I had about my place there. I went today with my mom to Life Teen Mass. I kept thinking to myself, "I don't belong here. This isn't my place anymore. So many people don't want me here." I feel like an alien on foreign soil, a black bird in a blue world. I know everything, but I have nothing. I want to be a part of this again, but I'm so incredibly afraid of rejection and uselessness again that I can't bring myself to do it. I want to volunteer again, I want to be apart of kid's lives and share what I know. But I know I'm not good enough to and I know that I can't be an example to anyone or an example of anything good. I guess I used church to justify myself in the end, and I wasn't doing half the stuff I am doing now when I was volunteering. But I guess I should find something else to busy myself with and make myself feel useful and hapy with. I can't associate with people who are happy because I'm so fucked up inside, I'm not sure what really, truly makes me happy anymore and what's just my quick cure for the fucked-up shit in my head.

Have you ever been so depressed in your life that you just wanted to just bleed and bleed and bleed until there was nothing left in you physically and emotionally? That your eyes could just open like floodgates and let everything inside of you out? That maybe if you just started tearing up everything that ment something to you and destroying everything you had that maybe you could feel as empty and horrible on the outside as you did on the inside and maybe, just maybe, in that moment of reflection you could feel something good inside about you or that you could see just how damaged you are and fix it? Maybe if you started to tear out your hair and cut open your face beyond repair that you could have a fucking clear reason why you feel this way inside and justify that THAT was the reason all along that you had all of these horrible thoughts and pain inside of you? Did you ever want to walk outside your door and walk forever in the dark, passing by everything and looking forward into nothing? That the night would last forever so you could feel the comforting cold wrap around you like a death shroud and

Ever feel like all the sad, beautiful songs could heal over your head and make everything perfectly wonderful for just those few minutes? That connecting with something so pure and emotionally charged may somehow convey all those unknown, confused feelings into words FINALLY and have a way out of your soul? That you could be rid of the trash inside your body and it can fly away, away from you forever?? Maybe your gardian angel could finally hear you and take you way on their wings and soothe all the demons inside of you because they recognize the pain behind your melody? And that if you sang along that you could finally cry and face what was there and it would go away? But you know it would come back again and again...

That's how I feel right now.

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