Is this always going to be with me?
Is there anyway for me to rid myself of it?
Or is this always who I'm going to be?

The victim
The accuser
The tear-stained face
The suicide-plagued
The fearful one
The patient
The cliche`
The damaged good
The sensitive one
The anxious drama queen
The broken doll

It's been years
And I still feel disgusting
It's been decades since it started
And I'm still mourning over it

Does anyone really ever get over it?
Or have I just never started to try to get over it?

I swear I saw him the other day
I don't know why I think I see him lately
He's not here but he's close
Starting a new cycle, hanging another noose

Even though he was convicted when I was 15
I never bothered to search his name for sex offenders
I know because of the plea deal he had to
So because of today, because of my need to make sure

I saw his name there
And his address
And his picture for the first time in almost 9 years

He disgusts me, and he's in 50% of our photo album
cos he was family
or close enough to call family

I still feel incredibly creeped out when I think of the things
When I'm floating off into nothingness and my thoughts are attacked
For so long I tried everything to get rid of this
To try to keep it from happening again

It still happens the way it did so long ago
Why did I wait so long to tell someone?
No, wait, I did tell someone, several times
Did I have to wait until I was completely vulnerable?

I've done so much to try to rid myself of him and his hold
I've done everything I could to try to control my life without him
But no matter what I seem to do, I can't live my life without a reminder
I so desperately want to get rid of this!!! I don't want this inside me anymore!

Can anyone tell me if someone can truly get over something like this?
Can anyone tell me that what this is that's going through my head is normal?
Does anyone really know? I mean, years of therapy, hospitals and drugs...
Years of promiscuity, bad choices, and self-inflicted pain...

It does nothing, but it feels so good but what good will it do when
that's what he was trying to do to me in the first place?
In this whole scenario of not wanting him to win
Did he already win a long time ago?
Is he trying to win again?
Does he even care anymore?
What kind of monster can I fight if I don't know how to fight it?
So many questions that I can't find answers to, it's killing me

Can he see me right now?
Is he watching me?
Does he watch me?
Does he care?

Should I stay silent and ignore it all?
Should I stand up and speak for the silent?

I do not wish death upon him for I am not God.
I do not wish anything upon him.
I do not wish to have this inside of me any longer.

But...I really don't know how to cure it.

Can it be cured? A disease with no clear signs of sickness?
Can I be cured? Someday, will my kids see my damage?
Will they smell the rotting inside I've tried so hard to cover and cure?
And my husband...can he cure me? Or is it worse to find a cure that way?

I don't know anything at all right now but at this moment, I wish I really knew nothing at all right now.