You never know who your real friends are until your in a ditch and they come to rescue you or they start burying you. And I never knew how worthless I was to some people that I held to a certain level of fondness and that hurts. Every time I try to reinvent myself as something better than I was I get reminded of the choices I made that led to my former reputation. And I made that all by myself and I made those mistakes all by myself, I own up to that. It's just disheartening to see all my hard work isn't paid attention to. Well, to those who don't want to see it. It makes me feel like I haven't done a good job at all when I know that I have, but at the same time I shouldn't waste my time on such ignorant, immature people's opinions of me. People need to grow up and change. I know it's taken me a long time but I'm doing it. And I see it. That's all that should matter to me.

I would go into specifics as it is not just one thing but a lot of things that have been building up and, recently, the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, and I don't want to delve too deep into my personal shit. I'm just full of depression, worse than I've felt in a very long time to the point where I'm very scared and I'm very much in despair and hopelessness. The things that have kept me afloat are disappearing and I feel very hopeless and worthless right now. I wish to God I didn't have this weakness, this shameful malfunction in my brain, but I do. It's all I've tried to do to keep strong, stay focused, take care of everyone, help my family, make everyone proud and now I'm breaking and it's not fair cos I've been good for so long and to be torn down at my weaknesses are more than I can bear. I was not as strong as I thought I was though I'm stronger than I've ever been. Will I always have this failure lurking in me? Or is this a part of getting stronger? Breaking, then regrouping?

I'm not sure but I don't have a lot of time to figure this out.

Best to keep busy. I'm done with Step 1 of my room revamping. Everything's in totes, boxes, and bags ready to go out while I rearrange my furniture. Then Step 2: Putting away & redecorating. Then Step 3: The Closet. This is going to be particularly scary but easier when I have more room for everything. I'm going to see if I can try to fit in a small futon/couch or a vanity in my room. This is my project for right now to keep myself busy and focused on something, ANYTHING but my depression and so far it's working alright.

Tonight: Repo! Genetic Opera Shadow Cast. The directors will be there apparently! =D

Tomorrow: Visiting Saul. I'm heartbroken still that it still might be more than a year before I get to see him a free man again, before we can be married and have a life together. This eats at me daily.

Well, forward and onward. August will be a busy month.

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