I feel the ugliest inside that I've felt in a long time. I'm sick and on top of that the pills I'm taking are having their side effects rip through me like a bad illness. One of them is mood alterations, thank God there was a reason for yesterday's disgustingness, though now I'm left with something new to deal with. But all in all, waiting DOES suck, and anyone that can move on and be happy is awesome and that's what I'm going to try to do because I don't want to feel this way anymore, is SUCKS, it hurts, it doesn't feel good and all I want to do is take my ugliness outside. I'm glad I don't cut myself anymore, but God knows I want to, I want to slice down my arms, the thought is euphoric, when I close my eyes and think about it, it feels so good and I want to do it but I'm not going to. Made a promise. I won't do it again. All I want to do is sleep but it was difficult to go to sleep last night. It helps if I talk about it even thought I really didn't want to get into it, it helped to talk about it so much because I had questions and I needed answers and closure, so thank you for talking to me, it means a lot to me and hopefully this will be the next continuing steps to me leaving this alone and never thinking about it again. It's done, no more, no more anything. It's done. Done. Get used to it, girl, there's nothing much else you can do. Gotta think is it still a good thing to linger like a ghost, though? no, I need to kill that part of my heart.
So what now? Getting the hell out of Walmart is what the hell I need to do. How many times has that place taken from me? *sigh* Oh well, live life for today with tomorrow in mind because you never know what you won't have anymore. Maybe I do need to go into the hospital, they'd give me pills to sleep, more than anything in this world right now I want to sleep soundly, not last night, I kept waking up with this pain in my chest, psychological but made real and physical by my psychosis. sonofabitch I can be mad about this but how can I blame the circumstances? I wish things wern't so fucked up but oh well. It's a smart thing not to wait for something that may not be when something more could happen. I've got other wonderful people in my life, I shouldn't be dwelling on one who can't be there in that way anymore. Please, God, take this all away from me, take this feeling I have in my chest away, throw it away, take it away, fill it with Your love, let me never forget that I'm perfectly fine the way I am and that whatever that man did to me to mess me up when I was younger should have no standing on the wonderful men I have in my life now. May I be patient in waiting for the One that you created for me, that he may be worthy of me and that I may be worthy of him. I do not know who he is, just that I havn't met or been with him yet, though the people you've put in my life I'm glad to have known them and learned and I'm glad that I havn't ruined as many lives as I thought. Thank you Lord for the wonderful people in my life, You've been gracious with me, may I keep focused at work, centered at home, and never think about this again so help me and my sanity. May it all die today. Amen.