is feeling the paranoia/depression/hopeless feeling nightmare drive back into her life, I cannot and should not be alone right now, it's not safe. As paranoid and as unsafe as I feel and as scared as I am that something bad will happen, I cannot be in this house and I do want to be around as many people as possible for as long as possible. And not be a babbling idiot or dark raincloud descending on whoever I do hang out with. Balance, where have you gone?

As normal as this is for my life, I do not want this to be normal. As hard as I fought to keep it together, in the end I paid with this as my punishment? Unacceptable.

Do I lay down and let this wash over me, possibly letting this linger and drive me into a horrible hell that seems endless and painful? Or do I fight and possibly take people with me?

or...is it too late and I'm already in the thick of it? I'm not sure, but whatever this is, this is something familiar but comepletely new and I hate it. I hate this feeling, I hate this cell that has become my room and this whirlwind that has become my house.

Saul has told me over and over that he would understand if I went to the mental hospital, that he'll support whatever decision I make. But that seems impossible to get help for me while my family needs me so badly and when I said I can do it, I can be the strong one, I can grin and bear it, I can stay neutral and understanding while maintaining my composure. It's not fair to them that I cannot live up to this and it is not fair to me that I'm going through this not to live up to this.

I do fine in the day, it's the night that kills me. Perhaps tonight it will go away? I spent the better half of two nights ago so paranoid of the silence, of the dark, that I turned on any nightlight I could only to be literally frozen in fear at the sound of a tiny voice crying, "Help...Help...Help..." outside my 1am open window. It took me all the courage from God and will inside of me to get out from my bed, check outside, close my windows and sleep on the newly installed hardwood floors in my den on top of couch cushions with the dimmer light half on and the TV at low volume. I woke to find my father had turned off the TV and turned on the fireplace light for my comfort. I went back into my room after daylight.

I go through this extreme paranoia at times where I cannot sleep for the life of me until dawn or with the lights and TV on (without my converter box, TV gives me no comfort) and I don't know if this is backlash from the funeral, if this is punishment for something I've done, if this is just my monthly depression run amok or if this is something far more serious that I've chosen to ignore all these years and is come back to haunt me. I don't know, all the lines about me are blurred right now and it's hard to see what's what about me, about where to fix the problem where I do not know what or where the problem lies in exactly. I would love to chalk it up to the monthly depression but I don't know that I can or maybe if I do it will go away when it's supposed to but if it lasts longer than that I'm not sure what to do.

If you've made it this far, congratulations, there's a cupcake in it for you. See? I still have my sense of humour. X_X

I just have this horrible feeling that something's going to happen and I have absolutely no control or say so in the matter. In reality this happens all the time but now it is just getting to me in the absolute worst of ways, it is haunting, it is frightening, it's like seeing a horror movie that gets under your skin and now that's all you can think about and it's now happening to you right before your very eyes, it's a creepy feeling that I'd rather do without for the rest of my life. If only I could take out what I'm feeling and thinking, turn it into a tangible, concentrate formula and get the antidote, that would be paradise but of course modern medicine isn't up for curing the unseen in this way just yet.

Needless to say I have not bee sleeping well. I sleep for a few hours, wake up, exhaust myself, nap, nap too long, can't sleep, sleep few hours, circle continues. I detest sleeping in after 10am, 11am I might as well kill myself, I have accomplished nothing with my day. 12pm, unforgivable. I have not gone to that point yet and keep myself purposely busy so this doesn't happen. This cycle is unrelenting, this feeling is torture, I am ashamed to be saying this all, I am better than this and when this is over I will have said this all and feel like I cried too hard or felt to much. But I need it cleared from my head and maybe someone reading can relate and tell me what to do, it's a shot I've taken before and has helped me before. Someone, help me if you can, or someone tell me that I'm not completely unfounded in the way I feel. I just still want to be the strong one without admitting defeat to whatever is trying to beat me or control me. Please. Ugh...I don't know where to go for this but I'm going to try what I can to do all I can. I'm so sick, I know it, I just don't want to show it on my face even though I feel it's seeping through the layers I put on.

Dare I go out tonight? We'll see...we'll see...